Starting Over (and over again)

The process of getting to a healthy weight and body image is a process of stops and starts. Any of us who have gone through it know this only too well. We start with enthusiasm, get to a certain point, stop, then back-pedal a bit (or a lot) before starting over again. And again. And again.

I'm back at the starting over phase.

My body is screaming out for help -- never mind how much I detest how I look and feel in clothes, which is more about vanity than health -- and I know that if I ignore the screaming, it will only get worse until something really drastic happens. I am at my highest weight EVER in my life. This was the weight I was about a year before I moved to France, and at that time Nutrisystem was my key to losing 30 lbs. Don't get me wrong: after that 30 lb loss, I was still way too fat and still weight over 200 lbs, but I could move move easily, and spent hours wandering these Paris rues with nary a hint of joint or back pain.

I am now 7 years older and so are my joints, and they are not at all enjoying the 30 lbs I've put on since I got married 5 years ago (which is when I remember being at around 208-210, my "low" weight since 1997 or so). My husband has been putting on weight as well. Are we THAT couple? The couple that is so happy being married that we just let ourselves go all to hell? We really DO love each other no matter what we look like... but we also want to live together in good health for as long as possible, and at this rate that's not going to be very long.

I am concerned. More than concerned. I'm scared.

The question is, am I scared ENOUGH now to do something about it, once and for all? Every time I start this process, I think "THIS time it will be different". And sometimes, it IS different... for a while. Until it ISN'T any more.

I've been watching episodes of a British series called "Secret Eater" (go on YouTube and type "Secret Eater" - there are 2 seasons so far), where couples (romantic couples, brothers & sisters, parents & adult children, friends, neighbors - and I think last year they profiled an entire family including the kids) who are struggling with being overweight are filmed 24/7 for a week, then analyzed by experts to see WHY they're so fat. Because each of them starts out with the same story: "I don't know why I'm so fat. I think I eat healthfully. I think I'm mainly making good choices. There is no way I'm eating enough to justify being THIS overweight. It's a mystery to me."

The program puts cameras in their home, but also has two private investigators following them and enlisting their friends, family members and work colleagues in finding out exactly what each of their individual eating habits are. At the start of the process, the couples fill out food diaries where they all estimate themselves as eating what turns out to be something like 2,000+ calories LESS per day than they ACTUALLY eat. Because the evidence -- as shown on film -- is indisputable: through a variety of bad patterns, habits and choices, they are eating the equivalent of what TWO (or even THREE) normal people would need to eat in a given day. Even some of the people who actually do exercise regularly discovered they were still taking in far more calories than they could ever burn off by biking, running, etc.

Mystery solved: that's why they're fat.

I have often been reluctant to keep a food diary, although when I've been on certain programs like Weight Watchers I have tracked my food intake. But what I'm learning from Secret Eaters is that I really have NO CLUE how much I'm actually eating each day, other than "way too much". So I've started this week with a food journal. And it is already making me much more conscious of what I'm choosing to eat and drink.

I've also picked up some interesting tips that I'm mentally taking notes on, in terms of what some of the TV couples have discovered about themselves that could apply to me as well:

• How much sweetener am I putting in my coffee or tea? I don't drink a lot of either, but typically put 2 large sugar cubes in each mug (1 cube if I'm in a restaurant and it's an espresso-sized cup). I am now trying to cut that in half. There are 3,870 calories in 1 kilogram of sugar. 1 box of large (i.e. #4 rectangular) sugar cubes = 1 kilo or 168 cubes. 3,870 divided by 168 = 23.04 calories per cube. So okay, 23 calories isn't a huge amount, but over the course of a week if I have 1 cup of coffee and 1 cup of tea a day, x 2 sugar cubes per cup? If my math is correct, that's 92 calories a day, 645 calories a week, or 33,546 calories PER YEAR just from adding 2 little sugar cubes to my hot beverages! Divide that by 3,500 (the number of calories it takes to add on a pound of body fat) and that's 9.5 pounds PER YEAR, just from 2 sugars in my coffee or tea a day. So cutting it down to 1 cube per hot beverage? It could make a very real difference. I'm working on going back to an artificial sweetener, but am torn because I don't want any of the chemical options out there; they create other health issues I don't want, either.
• You can't fix what you don't acknowledge. This means tracking what I'm eating and drinking, down to the last sugar cube, single jelly bean or "just a little taste" of something. One woman on the show basically starved herself during the week so she could eat big on weekends (which wasn't healthy) but the filming uncovered that she was constantly "tasting" food as she cooked for her family. And her "little tastes" added up to something like 700 extra calories a DAY! She was totally shocked... and when she cut out the constant starve/binge/sample routine and went back to eating three normal, healthy meals daily, she lost about 15 pounds in 5 weeks. I'm not always the one doing the cooking here so constant sampling isn't my main issue, but I do tend to mindlessly grab a bonbon here, a cookie there. So I need to track it ALL to see where I'm going wrong. Just now I remember that yesterday afternoon, I did eat one bonbon of my step-son's but never wrote it down... so I wrote it down.
• There are some psychological tricks I could play on myself to aid my progress. One of the things the show does is show experiments on how things like visual cues affect how much we eat. For example, in one episode they did a test to see if people would drink a large quantity of a beverage if it were in a short, fat glass as opposed to a taller, thin glass -- and they DID drink more from the short, fat glass. So now I'm trying to use our smaller, thinner glasses for things I'm drinking, unless it's water, because I'll not be tempted to drink more than a reasonable serving size that way.
• Changes are necessary for fat people to become slimmer and healthier, but don't HAVE to be painful to work. In virtually all of the cases on the show, the people learned that most of what they needed to do was make changes that -- for the most part -- were easy and virtually painless. Yes, they had to perhaps give up certain things, but when you find out that using buckets of double cream on your dessert or drinking giant glasses of fizzy, sugary drinks or juice adds on thousands of unwanted calories, it becomes a bit easier to make those sacrifices. As my best friend back home said to me recently, when talking about her efforts to get her family to eat healthier, "Yes it's hard at first, but really it's just a matter of making an ADJUSTMENT." I like the idea of thinking of these necessary changes in eating habits as "adjustments" that I need to make. It feels less like punishment when you put it that way.

Am I going to say that "This will be the last time" I'm starting over? No. Of course, I HOPE that it will be. But if it isn't -- if I fall off the wagon again -- I guess the comforting thought is that I always CAN start over, whenever I want. And the "adjustment" I can make right now is to stop seeing the starting over as failure... when all it is, is part of the process.

I can also remind myself regularly that other people successfully can and do get through this process to the other side, the healthy side, and they've managed to STAY there because they made their particular adjustments permanent. There is the part of weight loss that is perhaps more temporary, as in restricting your calories enough so that you can LOSE the unwanted weight, versus eating the right amount of calories to MAINTAIN your healthier weight.

But in the end, the people that succeed at this ARE the ones who "adjust" their habits and their thinking -- for good. So that they are no longer "starting over".

That's where I want to be.

I forgot

Yesterday, a rare thing occurred.

I forgot to snack and binge.

Do you get that? I FORGOT. Meaning, for the first time in many, many weeks, the idea of snacking or gorging myself on junk I don't need NEVER OCCURRED TO ME. Not once.

I realized this as I was in bed, getting ready to do my daily meditation. Which I am still not doing at the same time every day (mornings really would be best, but I have to say it's really relaxing doing it at night, so perhaps ideally I'll do it twice daily). But which I have consistently done EVERY DAY for the past 11 days (today is Day 11 and I am about to do the meditation as soon as I finish typing).

And what I can't help wondering is: Is the meditation already having that kind of positive effect on my health? After all, the program IS entitled "Perfect Health". But it's only with TODAY'S meditation -- which I have not yet done -- that the program seems to be getting around to dealing with overeating. Because of course Perfect Health is going to mean different things to different people and this is not, per se, a weight loss meditation program.

Yesterday, I ate the following:

• Breakfast: juice, coffee with non-fat milk and 1 1/2 sugar cubes, Special K cereal with red berries and a few cranberries. This is a normal breakfast for me. One thing I did differently was use a smaller cereal bowl than I am accustomed to choosing.
• Lunch: I was out running errands when I realized it was lunch time and I was getting hungry. I had just bought some rotisserie chicken legs and potatoes (deep fried) for dinner, something my husband had requested. The smell of the chicken wafting up from my shopping bag was encouraging my hunger, so I stopped into a bakery and bought a sandwich made from a fresh baguette with Camembert and lettuce (and I think I tasted some unsalted butter), and for dessert I got a red berry crumble. And a bottle of water (a lot of French bakeries sell lunchtime menus that include a sandwich, pastry and beverage, and you save a euro or two). It was delicious; my favorite sandwich in France is a soft cheese, like Brie or Camembert on a baguette. Maybe that has something to do with my first-ever trip to Paris where I ate this type of sandwich ever day while strolling around, sightseeing. And yet I don't actually eat cheese very often, even though living here I am surrounded by it, so this felt like a treat!
• Dinner: 2 of the chicken legs (rather large and very delicious, being free-range and all that), a small portion of the potatoes with a bit of ketchup (I buy a reduced sugar ketchup). For dessert, I had a small ice cream bar on a stick, child-sized.
• Snack: I think I ate a banana at some point during the day, and that was my ONLY "snack". 
• I also drank several glasses of store-bought iced tea that was sweetened. I normally make my own decaf Crystal Light iced tea but every so often I need to replace the plastic bottle, and I like these 2-liter bottles from the store. It means I have to drink the sweetened, caffeinated tea for a day or so, but then I go for weeks making my own tea and reusing the plastic bottle. 

Was this a "perfect" choice of foods during the day? Perhaps not: bread, sugar, cheese, butter, fried potatoes, chicken legs instead of the skinless white meat, and so on. But you know what? I enjoyed everything I ate and didn't feel guilty about it. I didn't even think about it much other than "wow, this tastes quite good, isn't that nice" before going on with my day.

I also, in retrospect, didn't feel hungry all day. Nor did I feel edgy, the kind of edgy that makes me run for the chocolate or cookies. It's like, I ate my 3 meals and my banana-snack, and it was enough. I didn't go to bed hungry, either. I was satisfied. And had I WANTED to binge, it would have been simple: I've got chocolate in my bedside table. Cookies in the kitchen cupboard. And I know where my step-son's stash of candy is kept, in case I feel desperate.

But binging simply wasn't on my radar yesterday, and THAT is the miracle du jour. I had a totally, normal, Inside Skinny day.

THAT is how I would like to be living EVERY SINGLE DAY. Just enjoying whatever I AM eating, without overeating and without eating too much of something. And best of all, not really thinking much about the food when I was NOT actually sitting down to a meal. The French adore food; they love eating it, preparing it, and talking about it together. But when they're not at the table or actively preparing a meal, a typical French person is not obsessing about food. Food has it's proper time and place, and it is meant to be thoroughly enjoyed, but there is also more to life than the food -- THAT is how the French do it. And I think this is a very healthy philosophy. The food-addicted me thinks about food ALL THE DAMN TIME, and mostly what I think about is how I shouldn't be eating THIS or THAT and how fat it's making me when I DO eat those things. It's a huge time-sucker, this obsession with food.

So it was wonderful to go through a whole day NOT being obsessed. Just living my life like a normal person. Just... LIVING.

I want more of THAT. And if this meditation is what is helping me to get to that place, then I'm going to meditate my ass off.

Literally.

Meditations on Meditation, Week 1

Well, what do you know? I've made it through the first full week of Oprah and Deepak's 21 Day Meditation Challenge! And I've actually DONE the meditation every day of this first week! I've even used the online journal!

::Author does little happy dance::

I am not what you'd call consistent in terms of the time of day when I do the meditation. At least, not yet. I probably picked a bad week to start something like this -- my kid was home all day on a winter school break, so not a normal schedule. My general intention for "best time of day to meditate" is somewhere between 10-11am; that's late enough for me to get up, get my husband and kid out the door in the mornings, wake myself up enough, eat breakfast and get my one cup of daily coffee into me (or I'd fall back to sleep during the meditation), check email etc. THEN, before I feel compelled to get out of the house and do other stuff, I would ideally do the meditation before going on with the rest of my day. This seemed and still seems like it ought to work best as mid-mornings are overall when I have the most time to myself. On weekends if I sleep a bit late, it's not a big deal for me to meditate a little later.

But as a result of having to do things with or for my step-son this week, there were at least 3 days when I didn't get around to the meditation until nearly 6pm. This was not really such a big problem, other than the idea of these meditations is creating Perfect Health, and each day you are given a Centering Thought that is supposed to go with you consciously throughout your day. So if you're not doing the meditation until 6pm then you're not as tuned into that thought all day long.

And one day I was literally SO fatigued in the morning, even after breakfast and coffee, that I just curled up and went back to sleep for a while. I could not keep my eyes open. Fatigue has been an issue lately and I'm sure it has everything to do with having gained some pounds and those pounds putting extra stress on my body.

I'm finding these meditations to be very pertinent, actually, to my weight-loss efforts and my life-long battle with my weight. Intellectually I have known for a long time that being overweight is an emotional and spiritual issue more than it is a physical one; the physical side of it is the effect, not the cause. And after the first week of meditations on perfect health, what I observe is that much of my problem is how I think of and talk to myself about myself. In other words, I am my own worst critic. I have somehow internalized my mother's super-charged critical voice and I have picked up where she left off, constantly finding fault with my physical being, my choices relative to my body, etc.

The negative cycle may have started with my mother in my youth, but *I* am now the one perpetuating it. Is it any wonder I have such a difficult time making healthy choices and treating my body the way it deserves to be treated, when I talk to myself like I'm not worth the effort?

Anyway, this is a long, complicated subject that I don't want to explore further at the moment, not on the blog at least, but just wanted to say that the meditations are helping me see and understand the impact of some of the self-talk I've been engaging in for most of my life, and it's already giving me some tools to help break that vicious cycle and replace it with something more nurturing and self-loving.

Two weeks to go, but I think I'm off to a good start. If nothing else, 7 days of sticking to my promise to do the meditation is a record for me, and I feel good about that.

Inside Out

I am trying something new as a means of making the necessary shifts toward a healthier me: Meditation.

I have never been able to successfully get into a consistent meditation practice. In fact, I doubt I've ever meditated more than 2 or 3 days in succession before quitting. Stillness isn't something that comes naturally to me, even though "couch potato" would be an apt description. I have always found meditation profoundly uncomfortable. Yet I know there are so many health benefits to it, not to mention it can do wonders for one's creativity.

A few weeks ago, along came an email message from Oprah herself; she and Deepak Chopra, someone whose work I admire greatly, have joined together to create a free 21-Day Meditation Challenge for Perfect Health. I signed up and it started today, and I have already done my first meditation. They are short (about 17 minutes on average and not all of that time is spent actually meditating) and you can do them using your computer, smart phone, or iPad and a headset. You don't have to chant out loud; Deepak gives daily mantras but you say them silently in your mind (although I suppose you could say them out loud). The system also has an online journal where you can reflect on your experiences and jot down your thoughts.

I liked the first meditation. Deepak's voice is low and calm, and he doesn't talk all the way through the meditation time, which I like because it's distracting to me when the meditation guide won't shut up. It was useful for me to reflect on what I define as "Perfect Health" and to set some intentions for myself about that. We will see what happens over the next 21 days but I am open to the possibility that perhaps THIS will lead me into a sustainable daily meditation practice as well as help me shift the thoughts and beliefs that have gotten me where I am right now: overweight and unhealthy.

If you want to join me (and Oprah and Deepak), here's the site where you can sign up:
http://www.chopracentermeditation.com. Namasté!

It's called perspective

A friend shared this image on Facebook and it appears to come from this Facebook page (although it is not clear if that page was the creator or not):

How funny would it be if someone complimented you on your weight loss, and asked you how much you've lost, and YOU get to answer:

I've lost an elephant's penis. 

Can you imagine the reaction? Heh heh. That right there? Would SO make it worth losing 60 lbs. 

It would also be fun to lose Arnold Schwarzenegger, but I'm happy I don't have anywhere near THAT much to take off. I'd be happy with anywhere between a small bale of hay and the World's Largest Ball of Tape.

Conscious choices

After my shock and dismay at the scale reading yesterday, I exerted myself to do a few healthy things to get myself moving back in a better direction.

The first was, I made oatmeal instead of having my usual breakfast cereal. I love cereal, I have to admit that. Like Jerry Seinfeld, I could eat it more than once a day (and sometimes, I do). But I've been reading more and more about how these cereals are filled with excess sugar and preservatives that interfere with weight loss (yes, even my Special K with Red Fruit). I do like oatmeal and I found a recipe in the Biggest Loser book where you substitute a tablespoon of fruit compote (not jam, which has more sugar) for sugar. So I tried it and it was wonderful! I didn't even need to add milk.

The next healthy thing I did was to take a long walk to the Parc Monceau. I made some stops along the way -- post office, book store -- but the weather was unseasonably sunny and warmer for this early in March, and like a lot of Parisians I wanted to profit from the sunshine, so off to the park I went. Monceau is a really lovely park, not too big, but big enough. And they even let you sit on the grass, which makes it a great picnic spot in summertime. There are a lot of joggers, a corner where kids can roller blade and bike and use their scooters, and a playground. With the pretty landscaping and many benches, it makes it an ideal spot.

I will admit that, once there and after making a loop around the park, I did park myself on a bench while reading one of the travel books (Normandie) I'd just purchased. My joints and back were begging for a rest after that long walk (45 min). And I took the bus most of the way back to my own neighborhood. But once I got there, I didn't go straight home; I did the food shopping. So, more time on my feet and less time sitting on my ass on the couch in the apartment. When I finally got home, I had been out and about and walking for the better part of two and a half hours (I think I sat in the park about 20 minutes of that).

I did eat some chocolate last night while my husband was having some, but I ate a lot less of it than I normally might have. It is frightening how often I go on automatic pilot where my trigger foods are concerned. Here I had just finished telling my husband that I had a shock on the scale and that I had taken that nice long walk, and in the next breath I was reach for chocolate!

Note to self: work on being MINDFUL of my choices instead of simply doing things unconsciously.

Yeah, I'm still here.

In fact, I am more here than before... having gained a considerable few pounds since November.

The other day I went to put on the jeans I bought just before Christmas when I was back in the States, jeans that have been extremely comfortable but not too big and baggy. And they felt TIGHT. I chalked it up, at first, to having thrown them in the big industrial dryer at the laundromat. But then it hit me: Have I gained weight?

I got on the scale and... UGH. Yes, there it was, the cold, hard evidence.

234 pounds. That is only FOUR pounds less than my all-time highest documented weight. (I say "documented" because it's quite possible I broke the 240 mark and didn't really know it, but 238 was the biggest number I personally ever saw while standing on a scale.)

Something must be done. I don't feel at my best and I certainly don't look my best. I'm tired all the time. I get out of breath too quickly climbing up the hill in Montmartre. Every joint in my body and every part of my feet and back seem to hurt. Sure, I have (technically speaking) some arthritis and that can happen even to a thin person, but I know damn well that carrying an extra 50-80 pounds would put anyone's body under more stress than it should have to bear.

I pulled out my "Biggest Loser" books today. I've had them for over a year but never really USED them in the way I had intended. I've decided to start afresh, now, today. I don't know exactly what my "program" will look like but I'm going to take steps every day toward getting healthier. 52 is looming around the corner (not to mention another summer at the beach, where JUST ONCE I would like to experience going out in public in a bathing suit without feeling ashamed).

The time is now. Now is all there is.

Starting Weight: 225 (from June 14, 2012)
Today's Weight: 234
Weight Lost/Gained: +11