Day 13: Lessons learned

Part of this journey, for me, is the ability to observe myself without judgment (yeah, easier said than done, right? We are our own worst critics) and try and learn something about myself in the process, something that will help me expand (spiritually, not physically -- I've already DONE that, which is why I'm blogging about weight loss).

There has to be some balance between being able to do the steps, take the right actions, and replacing bad habits with healthier ones (the "doing" part of this process), and deciding who I am BEING in all this. Like, on the days when I can connect with my Inside Skinny Girl, who I am being is someone who takes care of herself, eats well and healthily, gets some moderate exercise. Who I am being then is someone who cares about ME enough to do good things for myself. I feel it on the inside, ergo I live it on the outside. The doing follows directly from the being. Not the other way around.

When I am stressed out, lonesome for my husband (he's away on a biz trip but not for long, fortunately), juggling too many household or family responsibilities and therefore neglecting myself, who am I being then? That's the part that is often harder to identify and face... and change.

This week I have observed the following in myself, in no particular order:

• I eat when I'm stressed and I choose the wrong things to eat. Stress-eating carrots? Doesn't really do it for me.
• I also eat when I'm lonesome, overwhelmed, procrastinating about something I don't feel like doing, or fatigued... and of course, I choose the wrong things to eat.
• In fact, when I am REALLY feeling those negative emotions, I not only choose the wrong things to eat but I have been known go out of my way to get them. (I no longer have a car but when I did, I could easily persuade myself to get in the car and go out looking for an "emergency" pint of Ben and Jerry's. You know, for medicinal purposes.)

These observations are not news to me; it's not the first time I've become aware of this pattern of emotional eating in myself. I do it less now than I used to BEFORE I was aware of it, so that's something. I'm just saying, this is a big part of my M.O. of how I got so fat.

So if the doing follows from the being and not the other way around, then it follows that the way to effect lasting change is to figure out who you want to BE in a given situation, and then figure out how you need to behave if you want to be THAT person.

I've never been a naturally slim, physically fit and active person, someone who enjoys making a priority out of eating right and exercising to take care of the body. I have no frame of reference for being THAT woman. But I can observe the people I know who ARE that way, the ones who make good choices without starving themselves or resorting to abnormal lengths to be thin. I can watch those people and learn from them. And then I can figure out what it would take to be that, too.

What would a slim, healthy, non-weight-obsessed woman do every day? How would she be living her life? Here's how I picture it:

• She would keep her kitchen stocked with delicious, fresh, whole foods and keep treats to a minimum. So when she gets hungry, she can reach for something and know it's OK.
• She would probably plan many of her meals so that when there are occasions she can't plan for, she can eat what she likes - moderately - and still stay fit and healthy without having to freak out about every morsel she's eating. 
• She would have the kind of lifestyle where she's out and about, moving around a lot physically, possibly (but not necessarily, especially in France where people are not as obsessed about joining a gym) doing some regular form of deliberate exercise.
• When she wants to eat something more calorific, she does... but in moderation. And not all the time, on every whim. Balance is the key when it comes to treats, wine and so on.

Is it really that simple and uncomplicated? Have I been overcomplicating this in my mind, telling myself "It's so hard to lose weight so it must be torture to get thin and stay thin!" when really, it's quite simple?

No verdict at the moment. Just something to think about.