Friday, June 29, 2012
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Day 14 & 15: Week 2 Weigh-in & starting fresh
Starting Weight: 225
Last Week's Weight: 222.6
Today's Weight: 223.8
Weight Lost/Gained this week: +1.2 lbs.
Overall Weight Lost: -1.2 lbs.
The scale doesn't lie. I didn't have the best week. But then again, it could have been worse, too.
I got lazy with tracking and food choices; I'll just be honest about that. It's surprising how easy it is for me to gain weight even when -- comparatively speaking -- I am still being "better" than not being on WW at all. I had better days and worse days but the scale doesn't lie. It has the final say, no matter what I claim I did or what I believe I did right or wrong.
It is what it is. I'm committed to starting again today, a-fresh. My husband got back yesterday from his business trip, and my step-son is spending the weekend at his mom's, so I can kind of re-focus on myself and my goals with a bit more ease than this past week, when I was too busy and a bit stressed being a single parent. Even though this kid is actually quite easy to be around and take care of, when I'm on my own with him I am very conscious of my responsibility to keep him well and safe and "on schedule", so it's all about him and his needs. As it probably should be. I'm a lot less stressed when alone with him now than when I first met and married his father; we know each other, we're cool with each other, we can communicate better (the language barrier was a huge stress for me in the beginning) and we have fun together. But it's so much easier, so much better, when my husband is here with us.
I never like to think I am getting stressed out, about anything. I don't like to admit it, because admitting it feels like I'm saying "I can't handle this" (whatever "this" may be). Like it's a weakness. In my "past life" (my life as a single person who was employed in a very high-stress profession), stress was just part of the package and it was like wearing a badge of courage to say you could handle the stress; bring it on, I can take it, more more more!
When I left that corporate world, I made a conscious choice to leave that stress-inducing stuff behind me. But of course, real life is full of stressors from time to time, no matter how hard we try to made our lives stress-free. In my life at present, the main sources of stress stem from living abroad with an aging parent across the ocean, a nephew who is being deployed to Afghanistan by the end of the year, occasional periods where my husband is traveling and I'm holding down the fort with the apartment and the minor child, a rental apartment I'm managing (although that is going well and getting easier) and the fact that I haven't finished/sold my book so I'm not making any money. Next year, the stressors could be something totally different or even worse; and compared to other people maybe my life is a walk in the park. But we're not hear to draw comparisons, to say "My life is harder than yours, so what are you bitching about, suck it up already!"
In terms of what I'm eating and how I'm taking care of myself, I think one of the things I need to learn (or re-learn) is how to manage stress when I do have it, without falling off the WW wagon.
I guess the first step in doing that is just restarting from the basics again: drink more water. Measure my food. Track my food, no matter what is is I'm eating. Get out every day and move my body, even if it's only a walk around the neighborhood for 10 minutes. Stay away from the high-sugar carbs.
When you fall off the cheval, you pick yourself up and get right back on it again.
Last Week's Weight: 222.6
Today's Weight: 223.8
Weight Lost/Gained this week: +1.2 lbs.
Overall Weight Lost: -1.2 lbs.
The scale doesn't lie. I didn't have the best week. But then again, it could have been worse, too.
I got lazy with tracking and food choices; I'll just be honest about that. It's surprising how easy it is for me to gain weight even when -- comparatively speaking -- I am still being "better" than not being on WW at all. I had better days and worse days but the scale doesn't lie. It has the final say, no matter what I claim I did or what I believe I did right or wrong.
It is what it is. I'm committed to starting again today, a-fresh. My husband got back yesterday from his business trip, and my step-son is spending the weekend at his mom's, so I can kind of re-focus on myself and my goals with a bit more ease than this past week, when I was too busy and a bit stressed being a single parent. Even though this kid is actually quite easy to be around and take care of, when I'm on my own with him I am very conscious of my responsibility to keep him well and safe and "on schedule", so it's all about him and his needs. As it probably should be. I'm a lot less stressed when alone with him now than when I first met and married his father; we know each other, we're cool with each other, we can communicate better (the language barrier was a huge stress for me in the beginning) and we have fun together. But it's so much easier, so much better, when my husband is here with us.
I never like to think I am getting stressed out, about anything. I don't like to admit it, because admitting it feels like I'm saying "I can't handle this" (whatever "this" may be). Like it's a weakness. In my "past life" (my life as a single person who was employed in a very high-stress profession), stress was just part of the package and it was like wearing a badge of courage to say you could handle the stress; bring it on, I can take it, more more more!
When I left that corporate world, I made a conscious choice to leave that stress-inducing stuff behind me. But of course, real life is full of stressors from time to time, no matter how hard we try to made our lives stress-free. In my life at present, the main sources of stress stem from living abroad with an aging parent across the ocean, a nephew who is being deployed to Afghanistan by the end of the year, occasional periods where my husband is traveling and I'm holding down the fort with the apartment and the minor child, a rental apartment I'm managing (although that is going well and getting easier) and the fact that I haven't finished/sold my book so I'm not making any money. Next year, the stressors could be something totally different or even worse; and compared to other people maybe my life is a walk in the park. But we're not hear to draw comparisons, to say "My life is harder than yours, so what are you bitching about, suck it up already!"
In terms of what I'm eating and how I'm taking care of myself, I think one of the things I need to learn (or re-learn) is how to manage stress when I do have it, without falling off the WW wagon.
I guess the first step in doing that is just restarting from the basics again: drink more water. Measure my food. Track my food, no matter what is is I'm eating. Get out every day and move my body, even if it's only a walk around the neighborhood for 10 minutes. Stay away from the high-sugar carbs.
When you fall off the cheval, you pick yourself up and get right back on it again.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Day 13: Lessons learned
Part of this journey, for me, is the ability to observe myself without judgment (yeah, easier said than done, right? We are our own worst critics) and try and learn something about myself in the process, something that will help me expand (spiritually, not physically -- I've already DONE that, which is why I'm blogging about weight loss).
There has to be some balance between being able to do the steps, take the right actions, and replacing bad habits with healthier ones (the "doing" part of this process), and deciding who I am BEING in all this. Like, on the days when I can connect with my Inside Skinny Girl, who I am being is someone who takes care of herself, eats well and healthily, gets some moderate exercise. Who I am being then is someone who cares about ME enough to do good things for myself. I feel it on the inside, ergo I live it on the outside. The doing follows directly from the being. Not the other way around.
When I am stressed out, lonesome for my husband (he's away on a biz trip but not for long, fortunately), juggling too many household or family responsibilities and therefore neglecting myself, who am I being then? That's the part that is often harder to identify and face... and change.
This week I have observed the following in myself, in no particular order:
So if the doing follows from the being and not the other way around, then it follows that the way to effect lasting change is to figure out who you want to BE in a given situation, and then figure out how you need to behave if you want to be THAT person.
I've never been a naturally slim, physically fit and active person, someone who enjoys making a priority out of eating right and exercising to take care of the body. I have no frame of reference for being THAT woman. But I can observe the people I know who ARE that way, the ones who make good choices without starving themselves or resorting to abnormal lengths to be thin. I can watch those people and learn from them. And then I can figure out what it would take to be that, too.
What would a slim, healthy, non-weight-obsessed woman do every day? How would she be living her life? Here's how I picture it:
No verdict at the moment. Just something to think about.
There has to be some balance between being able to do the steps, take the right actions, and replacing bad habits with healthier ones (the "doing" part of this process), and deciding who I am BEING in all this. Like, on the days when I can connect with my Inside Skinny Girl, who I am being is someone who takes care of herself, eats well and healthily, gets some moderate exercise. Who I am being then is someone who cares about ME enough to do good things for myself. I feel it on the inside, ergo I live it on the outside. The doing follows directly from the being. Not the other way around.
When I am stressed out, lonesome for my husband (he's away on a biz trip but not for long, fortunately), juggling too many household or family responsibilities and therefore neglecting myself, who am I being then? That's the part that is often harder to identify and face... and change.
This week I have observed the following in myself, in no particular order:
- I eat when I'm stressed and I choose the wrong things to eat. Stress-eating carrots? Doesn't really do it for me.
- I also eat when I'm lonesome, overwhelmed, procrastinating about something I don't feel like doing, or fatigued... and of course, I choose the wrong things to eat.
- In fact, when I am REALLY feeling those negative emotions, I not only choose the wrong things to eat but I have been known go out of my way to get them. (I no longer have a car but when I did, I could easily persuade myself to get in the car and go out looking for an "emergency" pint of Ben and Jerry's. You know, for medicinal purposes.)
So if the doing follows from the being and not the other way around, then it follows that the way to effect lasting change is to figure out who you want to BE in a given situation, and then figure out how you need to behave if you want to be THAT person.
I've never been a naturally slim, physically fit and active person, someone who enjoys making a priority out of eating right and exercising to take care of the body. I have no frame of reference for being THAT woman. But I can observe the people I know who ARE that way, the ones who make good choices without starving themselves or resorting to abnormal lengths to be thin. I can watch those people and learn from them. And then I can figure out what it would take to be that, too.
What would a slim, healthy, non-weight-obsessed woman do every day? How would she be living her life? Here's how I picture it:
- She would keep her kitchen stocked with delicious, fresh, whole foods and keep treats to a minimum. So when she gets hungry, she can reach for something and know it's OK.
- She would probably plan many of her meals so that when there are occasions she can't plan for, she can eat what she likes - moderately - and still stay fit and healthy without having to freak out about every morsel she's eating.
- She would have the kind of lifestyle where she's out and about, moving around a lot physically, possibly (but not necessarily, especially in France where people are not as obsessed about joining a gym) doing some regular form of deliberate exercise.
- When she wants to eat something more calorific, she does... but in moderation. And not all the time, on every whim. Balance is the key when it comes to treats, wine and so on.
No verdict at the moment. Just something to think about.
Day 12: On the fly
Making this post very quick today as I don't have much time for writing (story of my life, it seems) what with juggling a variety of things. And the laundry situation at our house is getting pretty dire; down to the "emergency" underwear.
It seems the past several days I have not felt very well focused on WW and the program. Some of that I can attribute to the family Sunday lunch. Some of it is a result of the juggling of my time, and just not having (or making) the time to plan my meals so I'm making it up as I go along. That may not be the best way to approach this particular program, which obviously is going to work best when you can plan meals, shop in advance to have the good foods on hand, and so on.
But we are in the final days before the end of school (which is next Thursday in France) and getting my young step-son all squared away with various before-vacation appointments (orthodontist, eye doc) because after the end of school, the kids, the parents and the doctors all take off and nothing gets done until September. Fortunately we have a few weeks yet until we have to start packing for our own vacation in the south of France but in the meantime I feel like I'm just barely treading water here.
So I guess I have to stop stress-eating and be kinder to myself when I can't be in 100% control of what I'm doing, diet-wise. Sometimes maybe all you can do is the best you can do in that moment, even if it's not good enough -- and then let it go.
Now, gotta run to the next thing on my list, something I wasn't supposed to have to do but which now needs to be done. (Don't you hate when bloggers are cryptic?)
It seems the past several days I have not felt very well focused on WW and the program. Some of that I can attribute to the family Sunday lunch. Some of it is a result of the juggling of my time, and just not having (or making) the time to plan my meals so I'm making it up as I go along. That may not be the best way to approach this particular program, which obviously is going to work best when you can plan meals, shop in advance to have the good foods on hand, and so on.
But we are in the final days before the end of school (which is next Thursday in France) and getting my young step-son all squared away with various before-vacation appointments (orthodontist, eye doc) because after the end of school, the kids, the parents and the doctors all take off and nothing gets done until September. Fortunately we have a few weeks yet until we have to start packing for our own vacation in the south of France but in the meantime I feel like I'm just barely treading water here.
So I guess I have to stop stress-eating and be kinder to myself when I can't be in 100% control of what I'm doing, diet-wise. Sometimes maybe all you can do is the best you can do in that moment, even if it's not good enough -- and then let it go.
Now, gotta run to the next thing on my list, something I wasn't supposed to have to do but which now needs to be done. (Don't you hate when bloggers are cryptic?)
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Day 11: The French Sunday Family Lunch
All over France, people have lunch with their families on Sunday afternoons. Some families meet in restaurants, often in a big multi-generational group; others go to their mother's or grandmother's place for the meal. It's part of the culture to do this, and I think it's a nice tradition.
In our French family, we don't get to do it very often. My husband's parents have been deceased for more than a decade, and his sisters live in other parts of France; the one that does live in Paris, we never see (long story and off-topic). We spend several holidays a year with the sister who lives in the south of France, and that's a lot of fun.
There is yet another sister who lives in a suburb of Paris which is about a 30-minute train ride for us, and every so often we make the trip out there on a Sunday, or they come into Paris to see us instead. But we don't do it every week or even every month, so when we do get to do it, it's a lot of fun. Today was the day we went to visit them: my sister-in-law and her son. (She also has a daughter and granddaughter but they were away today.)
It was actually a good day to go and do the family thing because the weather was dreadful; drizzle and light rain all through the earlier part of the day, and by mid-afternoon it was POURING and my feet felt frozen, even indoors. When we arrived on the train, they met us at the station and then we went to the local marché to pick out what we wanted to eat (teasing them about how well prepared they were for this lunch; but then again we weren't well prepared as guests, either, having forgotten to bring a bottle of wine with us). We hit the boulanger for bread and dessert, the wine shop (ha!) and then the market, where we picked up all the fixings for a traditional French Sunday dinner en famille - two rotisserie chickens, potatoes au gratin, four kinds of cheeses, two baguettes, individual pastries for everyone (we all chose what we wanted, instead of getting a big tarte or cake) and the red wine.
This was not the day to worry about points, clearly. The best I could do was just watch my portions and go with the flow. If pressed to estimate my points, I'd have to with, what... 80?
The good news is, I ate a simple, light breakfast and there were no appetizers or snacks before or after the meal. The bad news is, I'm home alone tonight with my 10-year-old step-son (husband left directly after we got back to Paris on the train for a 3 day business trip) and I've gotta feed this kid something, and he wants spaghetti. So there's that. I'm really not very hungry at all after the big lunch (in France, it is more common to eat a bigger meal at lunch and then a very light dinner, and I'll be following that tradition tonight for sure) so I will make a small amount of pasta and may eat very little or even none of it. The Bubble feels too pronounced right now, as I sit typing this.
Sometimes, you have to make allowances for real life, and not freak out about it. Frankly, I had a great time with my French family (my husband's nephew is a RIOT) and I understand more and more French the more time I spend with them, so I get to participate more in the conversations than I used to. And it is really not "done" in France to walk into a family meal and (a) refuse to eat what is being offered or (b) to announce you're on a diet; that sort of thing is (a) rude and (b) private.
It's one of the best, and also the worst, parts about living in France: the French have a whole other relationship with food than the Americans. In America, we have a love-hate relationship with food: we love it but we fear it so much, fear it taking over our lives and our bodies. We don't eat for pleasure; eating has become utilitarian, food is seen as "fuel" and nothing more.
The French would say "Bof!" to that attitude. They have a love-Love-LOVE relationship with food. They take their time when eating (well, most do. My husband is a speed-eater, but he still gets great enjoyment out of what he's eating). They usually always eat at a table, rarely in front of a TV or at a desk or while hurrying down the street (although I have seen busy working people eating a sandwich on the bus or metro when they're in a rush). They enjoy and they savor; even my young step-son will tell me: "Savoré!" if he thinks I'm eating too quickly.
To the French, mealtimes are sacred, and family meals the most sacred of all, so you take your time (2-3 hours on a Sunday for the actual eating part of the day is normal). You talk. Food is served in courses so you get a little pause in between dishes. You talk some more. You have some wine. And almost always, cheese at the end (although dessert could just as easily be fruit or yogurt; it's not always something rich and high-calorie like we had today).
For better or worse, I don't have these sorts of big family meals that often. I'm not going to lie: I enjoy them. But not only for the food itself. I like the ritual and how I feel like I am part of a family here when we get to dine with my husband's relatives, since I'm so far from my own family.
So for the few times a year we do this, I'm not feeling one big guilty about it. And NOT feel guilty is actually a very healthy thing for me, where food is concerned.
How I did yesterday: not bad and I did get in that cleaning workout and quite a bit of walking.
How I'm doing today (so far): read the above.
In our French family, we don't get to do it very often. My husband's parents have been deceased for more than a decade, and his sisters live in other parts of France; the one that does live in Paris, we never see (long story and off-topic). We spend several holidays a year with the sister who lives in the south of France, and that's a lot of fun.
There is yet another sister who lives in a suburb of Paris which is about a 30-minute train ride for us, and every so often we make the trip out there on a Sunday, or they come into Paris to see us instead. But we don't do it every week or even every month, so when we do get to do it, it's a lot of fun. Today was the day we went to visit them: my sister-in-law and her son. (She also has a daughter and granddaughter but they were away today.)
 |
| Things like this are what make France worth it. |
This was not the day to worry about points, clearly. The best I could do was just watch my portions and go with the flow. If pressed to estimate my points, I'd have to with, what... 80?
The good news is, I ate a simple, light breakfast and there were no appetizers or snacks before or after the meal. The bad news is, I'm home alone tonight with my 10-year-old step-son (husband left directly after we got back to Paris on the train for a 3 day business trip) and I've gotta feed this kid something, and he wants spaghetti. So there's that. I'm really not very hungry at all after the big lunch (in France, it is more common to eat a bigger meal at lunch and then a very light dinner, and I'll be following that tradition tonight for sure) so I will make a small amount of pasta and may eat very little or even none of it. The Bubble feels too pronounced right now, as I sit typing this.
Sometimes, you have to make allowances for real life, and not freak out about it. Frankly, I had a great time with my French family (my husband's nephew is a RIOT) and I understand more and more French the more time I spend with them, so I get to participate more in the conversations than I used to. And it is really not "done" in France to walk into a family meal and (a) refuse to eat what is being offered or (b) to announce you're on a diet; that sort of thing is (a) rude and (b) private.
It's one of the best, and also the worst, parts about living in France: the French have a whole other relationship with food than the Americans. In America, we have a love-hate relationship with food: we love it but we fear it so much, fear it taking over our lives and our bodies. We don't eat for pleasure; eating has become utilitarian, food is seen as "fuel" and nothing more.
The French would say "Bof!" to that attitude. They have a love-Love-LOVE relationship with food. They take their time when eating (well, most do. My husband is a speed-eater, but he still gets great enjoyment out of what he's eating). They usually always eat at a table, rarely in front of a TV or at a desk or while hurrying down the street (although I have seen busy working people eating a sandwich on the bus or metro when they're in a rush). They enjoy and they savor; even my young step-son will tell me: "Savoré!" if he thinks I'm eating too quickly.
To the French, mealtimes are sacred, and family meals the most sacred of all, so you take your time (2-3 hours on a Sunday for the actual eating part of the day is normal). You talk. Food is served in courses so you get a little pause in between dishes. You talk some more. You have some wine. And almost always, cheese at the end (although dessert could just as easily be fruit or yogurt; it's not always something rich and high-calorie like we had today).
For better or worse, I don't have these sorts of big family meals that often. I'm not going to lie: I enjoy them. But not only for the food itself. I like the ritual and how I feel like I am part of a family here when we get to dine with my husband's relatives, since I'm so far from my own family.
So for the few times a year we do this, I'm not feeling one big guilty about it. And NOT feel guilty is actually a very healthy thing for me, where food is concerned.
How I did yesterday: not bad and I did get in that cleaning workout and quite a bit of walking.
How I'm doing today (so far): read the above.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Day 10: The Bubble
Can't wait to lose the "bubble" -- that is the giant bulge of my upper tummy (the part ABOVE my actual waistline) that pops out whenever I sit down (or for that matter, when I'm standing up). It is the part of being overweight that is generally the most embarrassing for me (you can't hide it under clothes, it is always there for the world to see) AND the most physically uncomfortable (especially if my jeans are a bit tight).
This goes beyond a mere "muffin top" for me. I'm quite large in the bust (was originally a C cup even in high school but weight gain has gradually pushed that up to first a D and now a DD/E -- and believe you me, I wish I were back to a C or even a B) and the bubble is even bigger than my bust! Yes, I have become one of those women, the round apple-shaped ones we've all seen waddling around the Walmart (although fortunately I know enough to NOT dress in clothing that exposes as much skin as these people seem to do when visiting the 'mart. Lord have mercy, where ARE these Walmarts, anyway? And why are there so many transvestites going there? And can someone please teach the trannies how to dress better? They have enough problems without wearing white gym socks with that mini-skirt and leopard print tank top and day-glo lipstick.)
I digress.
When I was 9 years old, we had a school play and apparently I got cast as either an apple or a tomato; I always remembered it as being an apple but someone recently told me I was, in fact, a tomato, but regardless, I was a very ROUND red fruit. My mother made the costume and thanks to her considerable skill at a sewing machine coupled with about 10 packages of tissue paper as stuffing, it came out well.
Except for one thing: I didn't WANT to be a fucking round red fruit. I wanted to be Merry Sunshine, but my cuter, much tinier friend "D" got that role (in fairness, she was totally adorable and since she was the new kid in class that year, I think it was nice of the teacher to give "D" the choice part). There was a boy in our class who was a little bit round as well, and I think he got cast as the pumpkin, and to this day I recall thinking that if he was a pumpkin and I was the tomatapple (yeah, I just made that up, just now; I am freaking brilliant sometimes), then I must be round like him.
I was not at all happy about this. And yet it seems a cruel irony that today, my particular body type is the "apple" - rounder in the waistline than in the butt, hips and thighs. Was this the first sign of type-casting myself as the quintessential "apple" shaped person? Really, in 4th grade? (Sidebar: My friend "R", a rather lean girl with gorgeous sausage curls, thin legs and a very quiet personality, got cast as a glass of milk. Was the teacher guilty of type-casting us? Hmm.) I don't know about that, but I do know that it is my first memory of being unhappy with my appearance. Isn't that sad that a 9-year old who really wasn't overweight would suddenly start worrying about being too fat?
Well, fast-forward to decades later and now I actually AM too fat. I am now a real-life tomatapple with the big bubble on her midriff, that I sometimes think of as my second bosom because it's that big (maybe I ought to get it its own bra?) I am overweight in other areas as well, but for me THIS is the part of my body I most want to see reduced as a result of losing weight. It's almost like, having that gross appendage of pure fat makes me feel ABNORMALLY overweight, as compared to people who who are fat in different ways from me, and that if I can at least get rid of THAT thing, even if I still have weight to lose I will at least look "normal". I know you're supposed to try and love the body you've got because it doesn't help weight loss to be negative, but loving this particular aspect of myself is simply not gonna happen.
It must go. And I am so very willing to release it. Whatever purpose it may have been serving in my life, that purpose is long gone... so the bubble needs to be long gone too.
I would like to put on clothes and not have that obvious bulge there. No matter what I wear, no matter how I try to hide it, I am fooling no one.
I would like to sit down without feeling I am out of breath, just from sitting. That's just unpleasant.
I would like to look in a mirror and see an hourglass where now I see lumps. That would just be so cool; it's been more than a decade since I felt like I had a real waistline of any kind.
And I would especially like to know that I am out of the danger zone that is a direct result of carrying too much fat around the mid-section. We all know that apple-shapes are far more prone to heart attacks than pear shapes when it comes to fat distribution on the human form.
I cannot wait until I lose enough weight that my tomatapple starts to disappear. Apples (and tomatoes) are for EATING, not for WEARING.
And a private note to Gwyneth Paltrow: I love your work but what the hell were you thinking, naming your child "Apple"?
How I did yesterday: Back on program. Tracked everything. Drank more water. Still felt bloated (hence the inspiration for today's topic).
How I'm doing today (so far): got in a major "house cleaning" workout today for about 2 1/2 hours. Did eat a small gelato while waiting for the laundry to come out of the dryer. But at least I didn't wolf it down; I savored every bite. :)
This goes beyond a mere "muffin top" for me. I'm quite large in the bust (was originally a C cup even in high school but weight gain has gradually pushed that up to first a D and now a DD/E -- and believe you me, I wish I were back to a C or even a B) and the bubble is even bigger than my bust! Yes, I have become one of those women, the round apple-shaped ones we've all seen waddling around the Walmart (although fortunately I know enough to NOT dress in clothing that exposes as much skin as these people seem to do when visiting the 'mart. Lord have mercy, where ARE these Walmarts, anyway? And why are there so many transvestites going there? And can someone please teach the trannies how to dress better? They have enough problems without wearing white gym socks with that mini-skirt and leopard print tank top and day-glo lipstick.)
I digress.
When I was 9 years old, we had a school play and apparently I got cast as either an apple or a tomato; I always remembered it as being an apple but someone recently told me I was, in fact, a tomato, but regardless, I was a very ROUND red fruit. My mother made the costume and thanks to her considerable skill at a sewing machine coupled with about 10 packages of tissue paper as stuffing, it came out well.
 |
| Parents & teachers: Don't force your kids to dress up as produce. It's not as cute as you think. |
I was not at all happy about this. And yet it seems a cruel irony that today, my particular body type is the "apple" - rounder in the waistline than in the butt, hips and thighs. Was this the first sign of type-casting myself as the quintessential "apple" shaped person? Really, in 4th grade? (Sidebar: My friend "R", a rather lean girl with gorgeous sausage curls, thin legs and a very quiet personality, got cast as a glass of milk. Was the teacher guilty of type-casting us? Hmm.) I don't know about that, but I do know that it is my first memory of being unhappy with my appearance. Isn't that sad that a 9-year old who really wasn't overweight would suddenly start worrying about being too fat?
Well, fast-forward to decades later and now I actually AM too fat. I am now a real-life tomatapple with the big bubble on her midriff, that I sometimes think of as my second bosom because it's that big (maybe I ought to get it its own bra?) I am overweight in other areas as well, but for me THIS is the part of my body I most want to see reduced as a result of losing weight. It's almost like, having that gross appendage of pure fat makes me feel ABNORMALLY overweight, as compared to people who who are fat in different ways from me, and that if I can at least get rid of THAT thing, even if I still have weight to lose I will at least look "normal". I know you're supposed to try and love the body you've got because it doesn't help weight loss to be negative, but loving this particular aspect of myself is simply not gonna happen.
It must go. And I am so very willing to release it. Whatever purpose it may have been serving in my life, that purpose is long gone... so the bubble needs to be long gone too.
I would like to put on clothes and not have that obvious bulge there. No matter what I wear, no matter how I try to hide it, I am fooling no one.
I would like to sit down without feeling I am out of breath, just from sitting. That's just unpleasant.
I would like to look in a mirror and see an hourglass where now I see lumps. That would just be so cool; it's been more than a decade since I felt like I had a real waistline of any kind.
And I would especially like to know that I am out of the danger zone that is a direct result of carrying too much fat around the mid-section. We all know that apple-shapes are far more prone to heart attacks than pear shapes when it comes to fat distribution on the human form.
I cannot wait until I lose enough weight that my tomatapple starts to disappear. Apples (and tomatoes) are for EATING, not for WEARING.
And a private note to Gwyneth Paltrow: I love your work but what the hell were you thinking, naming your child "Apple"?
How I did yesterday: Back on program. Tracked everything. Drank more water. Still felt bloated (hence the inspiration for today's topic).
How I'm doing today (so far): got in a major "house cleaning" workout today for about 2 1/2 hours. Did eat a small gelato while waiting for the laundry to come out of the dryer. But at least I didn't wolf it down; I savored every bite. :)
Friday, June 22, 2012
Day 9: Commitment
A friend reminded me today about something I have often said to her and to others: that in order to accomplish anything, one must be committed to doing it. And in this sense, "committed" means more than just having the intention or merely wanting to do it. Intention and desire are important, but they will only get you part of the way. I think the commitment comes from the intention PLUS taking the attitude that you will let absolutely NOTHING stand in your way... and then backing all of that up with action.
I do think commitment is the key to achieving pretty much anything in life. I know for me that the times when I've wanted to do something, no matter what it might be, and I've felt that strong inner sense of commitment, of not being willing to let anything get in my way - that's when I reach my goals.
When it comes to me and weight loss, I have spent too many years secretly (or perhaps not so secretly) believing that although I WANT to be thinner, it's not "in the cards" for me, or something. I think that I long ago (like, in childhood) classified myself as someone who wasn't strong physically and never would or could be, someone who had an imperfect body that I'd never be able to fix so why make an effort, someone who couldn't compete on a level playing field with others physically (and I hate competition anyway) -- so I just gave in and gave up and ended up living into those beliefs as my reality. That reality includes thoughts like "I can't do that, I'm not strong enough, I'll never be strong enough, ergo I'm not good enough".
Ouf. Well, screw that!
Now my challenge, in getting my mind committed so that my actions and body will follow, is shifting those beliefs. Some people who have had success at weight loss in the past, or who were once thin, can look a back at those times and at least know what it looked like and felt like; they can sometimes tap into that successful thin and fit energy again, and use it to propel themselves forward to regain that level of health.
I am not one of those people. I have never in my adult life been thin or really fit, and although in high school I was not heavy, I was heavier than some of the other girls my height and age, and I thought I was humongous. And as a dieting adult, I have never, ever gotten to a goal weight while on a diet plan. Trading on past weight loss success simply isn't possible for me; even when I've managed to lose as much as 30 lbs (which is the most I've ever lost, after which I would eventually gain some or all of it back, and often MORE. Same old story, right?)
Which is why I find that it helps to look at other people who have achieved significant weight loss and use THEM as my inspiration, to say "Why NOT me, too?" instead of "How great for THEM but that can never be me!", and to say "Yes, I COULD wear that!" when I see a slim, sexy dress in a shop window (or on someone else) instead of immediately going to "I could never wear that!"
So right now my commitment is not only about doing the WW program and following the steps, including sticking to it no matter what, even after I've had a "bad" day - but my commitment needs to also be about consciously shifting my thoughts to something that will help me be successful.
How I did yesterday: Overdid it a little (or more than a little) - a typical "bad weigh-in day" reaction for me. Not beating myself up, however.
How I'm doing today (so far): Moving on from yesterday's overindulgence, and about to get in a major "housecleaning" workout. Let's sweat!
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| Olivia Ward, "before"she found her inner and outer strength. |
Now my challenge, in getting my mind committed so that my actions and body will follow, is shifting those beliefs. Some people who have had success at weight loss in the past, or who were once thin, can look a back at those times and at least know what it looked like and felt like; they can sometimes tap into that successful thin and fit energy again, and use it to propel themselves forward to regain that level of health.
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| Olivia winning The Biggest Loser. -129 lbs? Incredible! |
Which is why I find that it helps to look at other people who have achieved significant weight loss and use THEM as my inspiration, to say "Why NOT me, too?" instead of "How great for THEM but that can never be me!", and to say "Yes, I COULD wear that!" when I see a slim, sexy dress in a shop window (or on someone else) instead of immediately going to "I could never wear that!"
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| Note to self: Do the work, then Yes! YOU can, too! |
How I did yesterday: Overdid it a little (or more than a little) - a typical "bad weigh-in day" reaction for me. Not beating myself up, however.
How I'm doing today (so far): Moving on from yesterday's overindulgence, and about to get in a major "housecleaning" workout. Let's sweat!
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Day 8: Week 1 Weigh-in
Starting Weight: 225
Today's Weight: 222.6
Weight Lost: -2.4 lbs. (Wished it were more but this is still pretty good.)
So, the Week 1 results are in, and I lost... 2.4 lbs. I am happy about that but not as happy as I would have been with 4 lbs or more. But I am trying to put it in perspective and still committed to NOT giving up on myself.
Since I did a naughty thing and ate all that popcorn and fruit yesterday, and subsequently felt myself blowing up like a balloon last night, I am not terribly surprised that the scale did NOT drop below 222 as I had hoped. In fact, when I first weighed in this morning it showed 223.6! A little later in the morning, before eating (but after a good poo) (Did I really just write "poo"? This is not Hemingway. He'd have written "shit".) I weighed in again and got the 222.6 so I'm going with THAT.
There is is: the Slow Loser Syndrome. You'd think that radically improving my diet this week, both in terms of quality and quantity, would have gotten me at least 4 and preferably 5 or 6 lbs off for this first week (especially given that first week weigh-ins are where you lose the most water weight) but this is not the case for me. This is not the first time on WW where I have had mediocre first-week results while others around me do much better.
While I am not crying over unlost pounds, I can't say I'm not disappointed and a little concerned. I have been reflecting on the past week, on my choices, to see if there are things I could do differently this week. One is drinking just plain WATER; I don't think I am doing enough of that. So one thing I could change this week is to drink a liter of water a day rather than low-cal juice and even rather than Crystal Light decaf tea. I might see a bigger drop next week as a result of flushing out any excess toxins in my body. So I'm going to start with that.
Any "bad" foods I ate during the week? Three cookies overall, and I counted those (well, 2 of them). And they were small cookies. So I don't think it was that; I mean, you have to live in the world, right? I did eat a lot of fruit and maybe it's just too much. I was on track with dairy (no cheese and I switched to non-fat milk and yogurt half-way through the week, too). I think I'm watching my portion sizes well.
Except for the popcorn: I think I had too much of that, and there's a lot of sodium in it. That's another thing drinking more water will fix.
The bottom line is, I did LOSE some weight. And if I stick on this program the way I am committed to doing, I will lose MORE weight. If it is going to be slow, then so be it. I am 51 and on the verge of menopause and whether I like it or not, this is going to be a factor in my weight - both how easily I can put ON weight as well as how quickly I can (or can't) take it OFF. Everyone has the same issue as they age.
So my target for next week is to hit that first 5 lb mark... to take off the other 2.6 lbs (or more) that will get me there. And to drink more water - lots more water! In fact, let me go and get some water to drink RIGHT NOW!
I will never leave the bathroom now, for sure.
Today's Weight: 222.6
Weight Lost: -2.4 lbs. (Wished it were more but this is still pretty good.)
Since I did a naughty thing and ate all that popcorn and fruit yesterday, and subsequently felt myself blowing up like a balloon last night, I am not terribly surprised that the scale did NOT drop below 222 as I had hoped. In fact, when I first weighed in this morning it showed 223.6! A little later in the morning, before eating (but after a good poo) (Did I really just write "poo"? This is not Hemingway. He'd have written "shit".) I weighed in again and got the 222.6 so I'm going with THAT.
There is is: the Slow Loser Syndrome. You'd think that radically improving my diet this week, both in terms of quality and quantity, would have gotten me at least 4 and preferably 5 or 6 lbs off for this first week (especially given that first week weigh-ins are where you lose the most water weight) but this is not the case for me. This is not the first time on WW where I have had mediocre first-week results while others around me do much better.
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| Water: DRINK SOME, then DRINK SOME MORE! |
Any "bad" foods I ate during the week? Three cookies overall, and I counted those (well, 2 of them). And they were small cookies. So I don't think it was that; I mean, you have to live in the world, right? I did eat a lot of fruit and maybe it's just too much. I was on track with dairy (no cheese and I switched to non-fat milk and yogurt half-way through the week, too). I think I'm watching my portion sizes well.
Except for the popcorn: I think I had too much of that, and there's a lot of sodium in it. That's another thing drinking more water will fix.
The bottom line is, I did LOSE some weight. And if I stick on this program the way I am committed to doing, I will lose MORE weight. If it is going to be slow, then so be it. I am 51 and on the verge of menopause and whether I like it or not, this is going to be a factor in my weight - both how easily I can put ON weight as well as how quickly I can (or can't) take it OFF. Everyone has the same issue as they age.
So my target for next week is to hit that first 5 lb mark... to take off the other 2.6 lbs (or more) that will get me there. And to drink more water - lots more water! In fact, let me go and get some water to drink RIGHT NOW!
I will never leave the bathroom now, for sure.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Day 7: Adjusting
After a couple of rocky days where I stuck to the program but felt kind of crappy, last night I started feeling better, and although it's still early in the day today, I kind of feel like the worst is over. I posted on the WW boards about feeling so hungry on the 4th day (also the 5th) and got a lot of good responses:
The horrific gas seems to have abated somewhat; guess that really was about adjustments (and maybe a bit more balance between the 0 points fruits/raw veggies and other carbs/protein). Still feeling "puffy" though, and no period in sight (this pre-menopausal crap is for the birds; can we just freaking call it a day already?)
I did eat a pretty significant amount of microwave popcorn yesterday afternoon, so it's possible I did go over my daily points a bit on that, coupled with drinking a normal ginger ale and a normal cranberry juice, and eating some Japanese food which I find difficult to calculate the points for here. I've decided not to stress over it; it is what it is.
Got some stressful news from home yesterday though; my nephew, who is in the Army and who was due for deployment to Afghanistan in January 2013, may NOW have his deployment bumped up to pre-Christmas. Which will totally suck, and he's also going to miss his first wedding anniversary in August due to training. We're glad he's being well trained but we don't want him deployed at all, and certainly not before Christmas. I may have to change my plans to go back for Thanksgiving instead of Christmas so I can see him before he goes. I don't want to focus on the negatives but it's hard NOT to think "What if this is the last time..." and hard not to stress about what this will be doing to my sister while he's away for so long, in harm's way. We've all accepted that he has chosen this path for himself, that he's strong and doing so well (due for another promotion soon!) and that he feels committed to serve... we just don't want to be one of those families who has to make the ultimate sacrifice. But this is out of our hands, completely. I would enjoy spending Thanksgiving with my entire family as I haven't done that since 2005, and my husband thinks he could get the time off from work to come with me, too. Maybe we can even get his son to come down from Montreal on that weekend to join us, although the Canadians don't celebrate Thanksgiving the same time we do.
In other news, I need to write and feel completely unmotivated to do so, other than the blogging I'm doing. Maybe my catch-word for the next week should be "BALANCE" as in finding not only the right balance of foods to keep me feeling energetic while losing weight, but also finding the balance in my daily life so that there IS time for keeping the house (and rental apartment) clean -- and right now it's our house that is getting the short end of the stick -- and writing and family life. And a bit more fun out and about in the city would be a very nice thing, too.
Later that day...
Did you ever see or read Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? The part where snotty, gum-chewing Violet Beauregard blows up like a blueberry because she ate something she was told NOT to eat?
Yeah, that.
I suddenly FEEL my body bloating beyond all belief. Was it the salt in the popcorn or too damn many cherries this afternoon? Yikes. If this doesn't "pass" (heh) by tomorrow, the weigh-in results are going to be dismal at best. Oy.
How I did yesterday: Not so bad. Maybe a bit more lax on the tracking and intake but nothing I'm especially worried about.
How I'm doing today (so far): a bit too early to tell, yet. Intentions are strong though, and looking forward to FIRST weigh-in tomorrow!
- drink more water
- add in more protein and high-fiber carbs
- eat more of the weekly points, don't resist using them
The horrific gas seems to have abated somewhat; guess that really was about adjustments (and maybe a bit more balance between the 0 points fruits/raw veggies and other carbs/protein). Still feeling "puffy" though, and no period in sight (this pre-menopausal crap is for the birds; can we just freaking call it a day already?)
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| Look at all that fluffy goodness! |
Got some stressful news from home yesterday though; my nephew, who is in the Army and who was due for deployment to Afghanistan in January 2013, may NOW have his deployment bumped up to pre-Christmas. Which will totally suck, and he's also going to miss his first wedding anniversary in August due to training. We're glad he's being well trained but we don't want him deployed at all, and certainly not before Christmas. I may have to change my plans to go back for Thanksgiving instead of Christmas so I can see him before he goes. I don't want to focus on the negatives but it's hard NOT to think "What if this is the last time..." and hard not to stress about what this will be doing to my sister while he's away for so long, in harm's way. We've all accepted that he has chosen this path for himself, that he's strong and doing so well (due for another promotion soon!) and that he feels committed to serve... we just don't want to be one of those families who has to make the ultimate sacrifice. But this is out of our hands, completely. I would enjoy spending Thanksgiving with my entire family as I haven't done that since 2005, and my husband thinks he could get the time off from work to come with me, too. Maybe we can even get his son to come down from Montreal on that weekend to join us, although the Canadians don't celebrate Thanksgiving the same time we do.
In other news, I need to write and feel completely unmotivated to do so, other than the blogging I'm doing. Maybe my catch-word for the next week should be "BALANCE" as in finding not only the right balance of foods to keep me feeling energetic while losing weight, but also finding the balance in my daily life so that there IS time for keeping the house (and rental apartment) clean -- and right now it's our house that is getting the short end of the stick -- and writing and family life. And a bit more fun out and about in the city would be a very nice thing, too.
* * * * *
Later that day...
Did you ever see or read Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? The part where snotty, gum-chewing Violet Beauregard blows up like a blueberry because she ate something she was told NOT to eat?
Yeah, that.
I suddenly FEEL my body bloating beyond all belief. Was it the salt in the popcorn or too damn many cherries this afternoon? Yikes. If this doesn't "pass" (heh) by tomorrow, the weigh-in results are going to be dismal at best. Oy.
How I did yesterday: Not so bad. Maybe a bit more lax on the tracking and intake but nothing I'm especially worried about.
How I'm doing today (so far): a bit too early to tell, yet. Intentions are strong though, and looking forward to FIRST weigh-in tomorrow!
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Day 6: TMI, and too much fruit?
I can't figure out if the serious gas/bloating I have been having the past 2 days is a result of too much fruit and raw veggies, or just the net effect of the change in diet on my body. The scale (yeah, I know... don't weigh yourself every day) has been sort of stopped in the 222-223 range after that initial 3-lb drop, and I can feel the bloat and the gurgling inside. Last night I apologized in advance to my husband as we went to bed, because I couldn't guarantee what vapors my GI tract might produce in the night. (He's a good sport, that man.)
Two days until weigh-in though, and I'm just doing my best to stay on program, track what I'm eating no matter what it is (and I am really making good choices 95% of the time), and find the right balance so that I get results AND feel good.
It's that last part - feeling good - that hasn't been so easy. I hate to say it but in some ways, when I eat crap mindlessly, I often feel BETTER than I feel the past few days -- in certain ways. Of course, looking at the bigger picture, I can't say I feel better being 90 lbs overweight and for sure I'm no healthier when I'm that fat. I'm just saying that I can't quite yet get the hang of not feeling hungry and empty. Maybe it's just that I need time to adjust. I hope so. I'm aiming to stick right at, or perhaps just 1 point over, my daily point intake of 29 points. So far, because of the activity points, I still have my full range of 49 weekly points unused. I know I can dip into them if I really feel I need them, but doing so will probably slow my weight loss down even further.
And we've already established that I seem to be a slow loser.
I've never stuck to a Weight Watchers plan for more than about 2 months, if my memory is correct. I've done Nutrisystem for 3 or 4 months and gotten some good results, but that packaged food is expensive (Jenny Craig is now in France so I could try that, I suppose... but I think WW is a better fit for the French way of life and being able to adapt a diet to it). So I need to exercise (ha!) a little patience this time, and really stick it out for longer than two months, even if I have ups and downs.
I mean, what other choice do I have? I could go and see a French nutritionist, but she's going to make me count calories and I think that would feel even more restrictive than the WW points system. I'm not heavy enough for gastric bypass, nor would I even consider it -- I had a rough enough time recovering from my gall bladder surgery so I'm not anxious to do anything else right now.
I feel alternately excited about seeing results, and antsy because I haven't yet gotten any real results and what I AM seeing (and feeling - GAS!) is a bit frustrating. I am trying to remember that at least I AM eating a lot healthier and that over time, that's got to count for something.
Visualize, visualize: 222. 221. 220. (First 5 lbs!) 219 (2-teens!) 218. 217. 216. 215. (10!)
And so on. I do know that at around 215 I really do start to feel a lot better. I can move more easily. I get out of breath a lot less when climbing hills or stairs. 215 seems to be the magic number where, over it, I start to really feel like crap, but under it, there is LIFE at the end of the tunnel.
Here's to more of that LIFE, right?
How I did yesterday: Sticking to it, although "bubbly" in the tummy. Maybe even 1 point UNDER what I was supposed to be eating? But I left it alone because maybe I forgot to track some little thing. Also lots of activity points, cleaning our rental apartment.
How I'm doing today (so far): On plan; still "bubbly". 2 hours after lunch and I'm hungry already though. Will try an extra glass of water to see if that helps.
Two days until weigh-in though, and I'm just doing my best to stay on program, track what I'm eating no matter what it is (and I am really making good choices 95% of the time), and find the right balance so that I get results AND feel good.
It's that last part - feeling good - that hasn't been so easy. I hate to say it but in some ways, when I eat crap mindlessly, I often feel BETTER than I feel the past few days -- in certain ways. Of course, looking at the bigger picture, I can't say I feel better being 90 lbs overweight and for sure I'm no healthier when I'm that fat. I'm just saying that I can't quite yet get the hang of not feeling hungry and empty. Maybe it's just that I need time to adjust. I hope so. I'm aiming to stick right at, or perhaps just 1 point over, my daily point intake of 29 points. So far, because of the activity points, I still have my full range of 49 weekly points unused. I know I can dip into them if I really feel I need them, but doing so will probably slow my weight loss down even further.
And we've already established that I seem to be a slow loser.
I've never stuck to a Weight Watchers plan for more than about 2 months, if my memory is correct. I've done Nutrisystem for 3 or 4 months and gotten some good results, but that packaged food is expensive (Jenny Craig is now in France so I could try that, I suppose... but I think WW is a better fit for the French way of life and being able to adapt a diet to it). So I need to exercise (ha!) a little patience this time, and really stick it out for longer than two months, even if I have ups and downs.
I mean, what other choice do I have? I could go and see a French nutritionist, but she's going to make me count calories and I think that would feel even more restrictive than the WW points system. I'm not heavy enough for gastric bypass, nor would I even consider it -- I had a rough enough time recovering from my gall bladder surgery so I'm not anxious to do anything else right now.
I feel alternately excited about seeing results, and antsy because I haven't yet gotten any real results and what I AM seeing (and feeling - GAS!) is a bit frustrating. I am trying to remember that at least I AM eating a lot healthier and that over time, that's got to count for something.
Visualize, visualize: 222. 221. 220. (First 5 lbs!) 219 (2-teens!) 218. 217. 216. 215. (10!)
And so on. I do know that at around 215 I really do start to feel a lot better. I can move more easily. I get out of breath a lot less when climbing hills or stairs. 215 seems to be the magic number where, over it, I start to really feel like crap, but under it, there is LIFE at the end of the tunnel.
Here's to more of that LIFE, right?
How I did yesterday: Sticking to it, although "bubbly" in the tummy. Maybe even 1 point UNDER what I was supposed to be eating? But I left it alone because maybe I forgot to track some little thing. Also lots of activity points, cleaning our rental apartment.
How I'm doing today (so far): On plan; still "bubbly". 2 hours after lunch and I'm hungry already though. Will try an extra glass of water to see if that helps.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Day 5: This is why you shouldn't weigh yourself daily
Experts tell us that we shouldn't weigh in more than once a week when we're trying to lose weight. Why? Because our weight can fluctuate daily, and for some women it can fluctuate by as much as 5 lbs from one day to the next because of hormonal water-weight gain.
I had "lost" almost 3 lbs the first day. Second day, about another .4 lbs (my high-end digital scale shows weight in .2 increments). Since then the number has crept back up, although not by a lot. Still, it's discouraging when you know you're doing everything right on a weight loss program, and you don't see those numbers going down, down, down. However, I would not be at all surprised if this is a water-weight gain situation, and I'm just going to stick to the program and trust that as my body makes adjustments to the new food routine, the weight will start coming off.It's also possible I am a slow loser. This would not shock me AT ALL given my past dieting attempts. Although when I have had my thyroid tested (last time was during a physical within the past 2 years) it always comes well within the normal range -- meaning I can't blame an especially slow metabolism -- I just think I'm one of those people who gains weight easily and takes it off slowly. I have to work harder at it than some other people might.
Life isn't fair sometimes, but who said it would be?
In the meantime, I am doing visualizations every night, of standing on the scale and watching it go down, pound by pound. I try to feel the excitement and satisfaction of watching those numbers get lower, and watching my body get skinnier. My mission is to dig out that skinny girl inside me, I just know she's in there waiting for me to find her and pull her out into the light!
My stomach is reminding me it's lunch time and I need to go and eat. Then, a few hours of writing, an hour of cleaning up around our place, and it's off to pick my kid up at school. If it's not raining, maybe I'll even walk there (this would take me about 30 minutes).
How I did yesterday: Better than expected given how hungry I was all day long.
How I'm doing today (so far): Got in a major workout (heavy duty house cleaning + walking).
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Days 3 & 4: Good and Plenty?
It's Sunday and the sun is finally shining... plenty of sun for we sun-starved Parisians. Sundays in this normally busy quarter of Paris are quite nice: less traffic, more people out on the terraces of the local cafes and restaurants, soaking up that much needed light (we've really had a crappy late spring, and it has not felt at all like almost-summer).
I feel good about how I've been adapting to the WW program and the choices I've been making. We ate lunch out yesterday at a local restaurant and I chose a huge salad that included some ham and chicken. I skipped the bread; couldn't skip the salad dressing because in France it just isn't "done" to ask for the dressing on the side but I counted the points for it. I did have one glass of rosé but decided I can have one glass once a week, on the weekends. Everything in moderation, right? This isn't about starving or denial; it's about finding a healthier balance. I don't drink often and when I do, I don't drink much, but this way I'm more conscious of the "empty" calories in alcohol and I can choose when to have that (or not).
We checked out a local organic market yesterday, which had great products but SO expensive that I doubt we'll be shopping there often. We did get a nice big piece of fresh salmon for our dinner, and I cooked that (first time cooking salmon) in a tiny bit of olive oil and salt, and served it with a little pasta (with olive oil, just a splash, instead of butter) and steamed peas and broccoli.
My snacks and desserts this week have been limited to fruit and yogurt.
Today we ate lunch out again, at a restaurant that specializes in raclette and fondue (CHEESE!) which I love, but I got a salad that had some ham in it, and then had about 3 oz. of my husband's grilled lean thin steak (he skipped the cheese too, which was nice that it wasn't out in front of me). I had a about a quarter of his baked potato as well (with at tiny bit of this cream/chive sauce, but WAY less than normal). I felt satisfied when I left. An hour later I am STARVING, even though I have since eaten some cherries and a large banana.
I don't know if this is my upcoming period causing the excess hunger (I often feel extra hungry and my blood sugar drops the day before my period) or if I'm not getting enough of the right foods. Am I detoxing from all the breads and processed sugar? Possibly. I have to say that normally, I tend to feel better energy-wise when I eat more breads, even though I know those foods are helping me pack on the pounds. I'm hoping I can cruise through this next day or so without going too far over points (so far I've been right on track, not skipping and not going over other than for +2 yesterday -- but some activity points compensated). Maybe this is just my body adjusting itself to the new routine. I get 30 points a day right now because I'm pretty heavy, but as I lose that number will be reduced. It does seem like a LOT less food than I'm used to. But to lose weight you have to eat less, period.
How I did yesterday: Stuck to it well. One glass of wine ONLY with lunch, too.
How I'm doing today (so far): Sticking to plan but WAY hungrier today. Not sure why.
I feel good about how I've been adapting to the WW program and the choices I've been making. We ate lunch out yesterday at a local restaurant and I chose a huge salad that included some ham and chicken. I skipped the bread; couldn't skip the salad dressing because in France it just isn't "done" to ask for the dressing on the side but I counted the points for it. I did have one glass of rosé but decided I can have one glass once a week, on the weekends. Everything in moderation, right? This isn't about starving or denial; it's about finding a healthier balance. I don't drink often and when I do, I don't drink much, but this way I'm more conscious of the "empty" calories in alcohol and I can choose when to have that (or not).
We checked out a local organic market yesterday, which had great products but SO expensive that I doubt we'll be shopping there often. We did get a nice big piece of fresh salmon for our dinner, and I cooked that (first time cooking salmon) in a tiny bit of olive oil and salt, and served it with a little pasta (with olive oil, just a splash, instead of butter) and steamed peas and broccoli.
My snacks and desserts this week have been limited to fruit and yogurt.
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| This is Raclette: no, I did not eat all that cheesy goodness. But I really wanted to. |
I don't know if this is my upcoming period causing the excess hunger (I often feel extra hungry and my blood sugar drops the day before my period) or if I'm not getting enough of the right foods. Am I detoxing from all the breads and processed sugar? Possibly. I have to say that normally, I tend to feel better energy-wise when I eat more breads, even though I know those foods are helping me pack on the pounds. I'm hoping I can cruise through this next day or so without going too far over points (so far I've been right on track, not skipping and not going over other than for +2 yesterday -- but some activity points compensated). Maybe this is just my body adjusting itself to the new routine. I get 30 points a day right now because I'm pretty heavy, but as I lose that number will be reduced. It does seem like a LOT less food than I'm used to. But to lose weight you have to eat less, period.
How I did yesterday: Stuck to it well. One glass of wine ONLY with lunch, too.
How I'm doing today (so far): Sticking to plan but WAY hungrier today. Not sure why.
Friday, June 15, 2012
Day 2: Estimating
Thinking about how long it might take me to lose that first 30 lbs. Yeah, I know I said I was focusing on 5 at a time, and that's true because on a daily basis it's way easier to think, "If I track my food today and make good choices, that next 5 lbs will be EASY!"
But of course I also want to start visualizing what it will be like reaching bigger goals, actually SEEING and FEELING my body get smaller and smaller. This has been one of my stumbling blocks in the past. It has been so long since I WAS "smaller" (i.e. at a normal, healthy weight) that I just don't remember how it actually felt. I have nothing to go on, no base of reference, as I try to visualize a skinnier me.
I have gotten so used to accidentally catching sight of myself in a mirror or a plate glass window and being unhappily "surprised" to see that I really AM that fat, mainly because when not confronted with the actual evidence, the skinny-me inside just feels smaller! But that's not the present reality.
So anyway, this is mid-June. I would like to have lost at least 10 lbs by mid-July, the date of my 4th wedding anniversary. That would put me at the weight I was when my husband and I got married! If I can shave a few additional pounds off by then, perhaps even 5 for a total of 15, that would be spectacular! And it would put me halfway to my first BIG goal of that first 30 lbs, or 1/3 of the total weight I want to lose.
The first 10-15 lbs will be the easiest, at this weight, if I am following the Weight Watchers program and increasing my walking and activity. After that, I know it will go slower. Those people on the weight loss TV shows are losing HUGE amounts of weight because they spend 2-6 hours a day in a gym, and that is just not going to be me.
Another thing I have a hard time visualizing is being able to actually ENJOY exercise. I never have, and I also have never seen myself as physically strong or an athlete. As a kid, I seemed clutzy, one of those kids who couldn't keep up with kids who were faster and more athletic. I don't know if I was really that way or if I just imagined my way into becoming that way, but that's how it felt and how I remember it. Last picked for team sports. Unable to climb that god-damned rope in gym class. And at 12, embarrassed that I weighed 110 lbs when one of my friends weighed only 95. I think that's the first time I started to feel fat. (And damn those gym teachers for weighing us in front of all the other kids and saying the numbers out loud. I hope they all ended up fat themselves: Karma.)
After that first 10 or 15 lbs, I'm guessing it could take me another 6 or even 8 weeks to drop the remaining 15 to break below 200 lbs for the first time since 1995 or so. Three months from now is mid-September, and won't that be a nice way to start the autumn?
By the way, I'm not planning to weigh in every day, or if I do I don't plan on reporting it here every day. But once a week I'll post my stats, just to share and put it "out there".
* * * * *
OK, I did weigh myself first thing this morning, and I was down almost 3 lbs. I know this is most likely all water weight but that's fine. It is still encouraging to see a smaller number on that scale! Weight Watchers won't allow me to enter a new weigh-in weight until next Thursday (I chose that day as my weigh-in day; who says you need to only start a diet on a Monday?) My personal target for this first week, water weight included, is to lose that first 5 lbs. If I can get that first 5 under my belt (or rather, off my waistline), the next 5 should be easy, and then that will make the first 10! I might even be able to drop more than 10 lbs in this first month which would really be spectacular, especially as by end of July I'll be on the Côte d'Azur in a bathing suit on the beach. I'll still be one of the fattest women there but I'll sure feel a lot better about myself, knowing I'm doing something healthy and making progress. And my sister-in-law, with whom we will be staying, will notice (she always does) and will say something nice. :)
* * * * *
I just got back from doing the weekend food shopping: lots of fruit and salad veggies, although I didn't buy as much as I planned because tomorrow, there is an organic market in the neighborhood I want to check out. One of the challenges of shopping in Paris is that the supermarkets lack space (in these old historic buildings, there are limits to what you can do), and can't stock the variety of products the stores in the 'burbs can. So sometimes, to get what you want, you may have to go to more than one store; in fact, mom-and-pop butchers, fruit/veggie markets, cheese shops and bakeries abound in Paris, and I like that they haven't been run out of business by the big supermarket chains the way they have in the States (there is no longer a real bakery in my home town; Shop Rite and Walmart and Target put them all out of business). There are also a myriad of smaller convenience stores everywhere. I couldn't get my Ocean Spray Light Cranberry juice at the bigger market near my apartment, but I know I can get it at the mini-market across the street. But I got the bulk of the shopping done (and they do home delivery so I didn't have to throw my back out dragging a cart of heavy groceries home and up one flight of stairs (no elevator in our building but we're only one flight up).
How I did yesterday: Really good! Even despite insomnia, I did NOT snack!
How I'm doing today (so far): quite good (it's 5pm), and even got in some walking.
How I did yesterday: Really good! Even despite insomnia, I did NOT snack!
How I'm doing today (so far): quite good (it's 5pm), and even got in some walking.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Day 1: No one is watching. Just freaking do it, already.
Starting Weight: 225
Today's Weight: 225
Weight Lost: 0 (but hey, it's only the first day)
I'm a skinny girl on the inside, trapped inside a body that is at least 90 lbs overweight. I feel that there's a skinny me inside, I do. I've always felt it... but at the same time, I haven't felt worthy to BE that skinny girl on the outside. Why is that? Maybe that's what I'm going to discover.
I don't know why I resisted starting Weight Watchers again... but today I finally did it. Maybe it's the "again" part... the part where I've done this (or tried other things) time and time again for nearly 40 years, only to get heavier with each passing decade. But I'm 51 now and ignoring the problem isn't making it go away.
Every time I watch shows like The Biggest Loser or Extreme Makover: Weight Loss Edition, and I watch these brave people work so hard at losing weight, I feel inspired. If they can do it, I can do it too. But I still snack while I'm watching them lose weight, and what the fuck is up with THAT?
Today I decided to stop waiting for inspiration. Maybe that's just bullshit, needing to feel "inspired" by something outside of myself before I can begin to change what is making me so unhappy. Maybe I just need to DO something, even a small thing each day, one day at a time, to find that inside-skinny girl within me.
I'd really like to meet her, and ask her where the hell she's been hiding (oh, right - beneath 90 extra pounds, that's where). I'd really like to know what it feels like to actually, truly be well in my skin, to feel good about and in my own body, to have the self-confidence to walk into any store and pick something up off the rack and KNOW it will look and fit me well. I would like to be able to buy and wear a beautiful 1950's vintage dress, or a little black cocktail dress, and KNOW I look fabulous and sexy.
I want to stop using my weight as an excuse for the things I'm afraid to do in my life: getting published. Getting out in the world and doing more things. And my age is starting to take its toll on my body already, with hypertension and arthritis; what will it be like in another 5, 10, 20 years if I don't get this handled NOW? I've already sacrificed my gall bladder... what's next, if I don't make a change?
My husband loves me no matter what. To him, I am always beautiful and sexy, and that's a wonderful thing. In his eyes, I am already THAT, no matter what my size is, and I am grateful that he's that kind of man. But I need to feel it myself.
Except for having signed up for Weight Watchers Online and tracking what I'm eating every day, I don't really have a plan in mind. Past experience has shown me that I need to avoid trying to change too much at once, so this time maybe I will try to do things in smaller increments. For instance, although ideally I would shoot for a 90-lb weight loss, for now my first target is 195 lbs (or really just to get below 200 for the first time since 1995!) I want to focus on 5 lbs at a time. Just 5. And then the next 5. And the next 5 after that, and so on.
I am going to worry less about WHAT I am putting in my mouth, and focus on TRACKING what I am eating. Then make small adjustments along the way.
Same thing with activity. Instead of saying "I'm going to get out and walk every single day for 30 minutes" I am focusing on just getting out of the house for a little bit every day, even a walk around the block to stretch. Also I'm waiting for delivery of some yoga DVDs that my best friend recommended because they are designed for people like me who have back and neck pain. Having just come off a few months of horrible pain and finding out I've got arthritis, I need to get into the physical therapy routine and get stronger before I can commit to more intense activity, so that's why the food part is going to be so important, combined with at least some moderate activity (cleaning the apartment a few times a week will help).
So that's it - this is Day 1.
Today's Weight: 225
Weight Lost: 0 (but hey, it's only the first day)
I'm a skinny girl on the inside, trapped inside a body that is at least 90 lbs overweight. I feel that there's a skinny me inside, I do. I've always felt it... but at the same time, I haven't felt worthy to BE that skinny girl on the outside. Why is that? Maybe that's what I'm going to discover.
I don't know why I resisted starting Weight Watchers again... but today I finally did it. Maybe it's the "again" part... the part where I've done this (or tried other things) time and time again for nearly 40 years, only to get heavier with each passing decade. But I'm 51 now and ignoring the problem isn't making it go away.
Every time I watch shows like The Biggest Loser or Extreme Makover: Weight Loss Edition, and I watch these brave people work so hard at losing weight, I feel inspired. If they can do it, I can do it too. But I still snack while I'm watching them lose weight, and what the fuck is up with THAT?
 |
| Maybe not THAT skinny. But I do want that dress! |
I'd really like to meet her, and ask her where the hell she's been hiding (oh, right - beneath 90 extra pounds, that's where). I'd really like to know what it feels like to actually, truly be well in my skin, to feel good about and in my own body, to have the self-confidence to walk into any store and pick something up off the rack and KNOW it will look and fit me well. I would like to be able to buy and wear a beautiful 1950's vintage dress, or a little black cocktail dress, and KNOW I look fabulous and sexy.
I want to stop using my weight as an excuse for the things I'm afraid to do in my life: getting published. Getting out in the world and doing more things. And my age is starting to take its toll on my body already, with hypertension and arthritis; what will it be like in another 5, 10, 20 years if I don't get this handled NOW? I've already sacrificed my gall bladder... what's next, if I don't make a change?
My husband loves me no matter what. To him, I am always beautiful and sexy, and that's a wonderful thing. In his eyes, I am already THAT, no matter what my size is, and I am grateful that he's that kind of man. But I need to feel it myself.
Except for having signed up for Weight Watchers Online and tracking what I'm eating every day, I don't really have a plan in mind. Past experience has shown me that I need to avoid trying to change too much at once, so this time maybe I will try to do things in smaller increments. For instance, although ideally I would shoot for a 90-lb weight loss, for now my first target is 195 lbs (or really just to get below 200 for the first time since 1995!) I want to focus on 5 lbs at a time. Just 5. And then the next 5. And the next 5 after that, and so on.
I am going to worry less about WHAT I am putting in my mouth, and focus on TRACKING what I am eating. Then make small adjustments along the way.
Same thing with activity. Instead of saying "I'm going to get out and walk every single day for 30 minutes" I am focusing on just getting out of the house for a little bit every day, even a walk around the block to stretch. Also I'm waiting for delivery of some yoga DVDs that my best friend recommended because they are designed for people like me who have back and neck pain. Having just come off a few months of horrible pain and finding out I've got arthritis, I need to get into the physical therapy routine and get stronger before I can commit to more intense activity, so that's why the food part is going to be so important, combined with at least some moderate activity (cleaning the apartment a few times a week will help).
So that's it - this is Day 1.
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