Day 2: Estimating

Thinking about how long it might take me to lose that first 30 lbs. Yeah, I know I said I was focusing on 5 at a time, and that's true because on a daily basis it's way easier to think, "If I track my food today and make good choices, that next 5 lbs will be EASY!"

But of course I also want to start visualizing what it will be like reaching bigger goals, actually SEEING and FEELING my body get smaller and smaller. This has been one of my stumbling blocks in the past. It has been so long since I WAS "smaller" (i.e. at a normal, healthy weight) that I just don't remember how it actually felt. I have nothing to go on, no base of reference, as I try to visualize a skinnier me.

I have gotten so used to accidentally catching sight of myself in a mirror or a plate glass window and being unhappily "surprised" to see that I really AM that fat, mainly because when not confronted with the actual evidence, the skinny-me inside just feels smaller! But that's not the present reality.

So anyway, this is mid-June. I would like to have lost at least 10 lbs by mid-July, the date of my 4th wedding anniversary. That would put me at the weight I was when my husband and I got married! If I can shave a few additional pounds off by then, perhaps even 5 for a total of 15, that would be spectacular! And it would put me halfway to my first BIG goal of that first 30 lbs, or 1/3 of the total weight I want to lose.

The first 10-15 lbs will be the easiest, at this weight, if I am following the Weight Watchers program and increasing my walking and activity. After that, I know it will go slower. Those people on the weight loss TV shows are losing HUGE amounts of weight because they spend 2-6 hours a day in a gym, and that is just not going to be me.

Another thing I have a hard time visualizing is being able to actually ENJOY exercise. I never have, and I also have never seen myself as physically strong or an athlete. As a kid, I seemed clutzy, one of those kids who couldn't keep up with kids who were faster and more athletic. I don't know if I was really that way or if I just imagined my way into becoming that way, but that's how it felt and how I remember it. Last picked for team sports. Unable to climb that god-damned rope in gym class. And at 12, embarrassed that I weighed 110 lbs when one of my friends weighed only 95. I think that's the first time I started to feel fat. (And damn those gym teachers for weighing us in front of all the other kids and saying the numbers out loud. I hope they all ended up fat themselves: Karma.)

After that first 10 or 15 lbs, I'm guessing it could take me another 6 or even 8 weeks to drop the remaining 15 to break below 200 lbs for the first time since 1995 or so. Three months from now is mid-September, and won't that be a nice way to start the autumn?

By the way, I'm not planning to weigh in every day, or if I do I don't plan on reporting it here every day. But once a week I'll post my stats, just to share and put it "out there".

* * * * *

OK, I did weigh myself first thing this morning, and I was down almost 3 lbs. I know this is most likely all water weight but that's fine. It is still encouraging to see a smaller number on that scale! Weight Watchers won't allow me to enter a new weigh-in weight until next Thursday (I chose that day as my weigh-in day; who says you need to only start a diet on a Monday?) My personal target for this first week, water weight included, is to lose that first 5 lbs. If I can get that first 5 under my belt (or rather, off my waistline), the next 5 should be easy, and then that will make the first 10! I might even be able to drop more than 10 lbs in this first month which would really be spectacular, especially as by end of July I'll be on the Côte d'Azur in a bathing suit on the beach. I'll still be one of the fattest women there but I'll sure feel a lot better about myself, knowing I'm doing something healthy and making progress. And my sister-in-law, with whom we will be staying, will notice (she always does) and will say something nice. :)

 * * * * *

I just got back from doing the weekend food shopping: lots of fruit and salad veggies, although I didn't buy as much as I planned because tomorrow, there is an organic market in the neighborhood I want to check out. One of the challenges of shopping in Paris is that the supermarkets lack space (in these old historic buildings, there are limits to what you can do), and can't stock the variety of products the stores in the 'burbs can. So sometimes, to get what you want, you may have to go to more than one store; in fact, mom-and-pop butchers, fruit/veggie markets, cheese shops and bakeries abound in Paris, and I like that they haven't been run out of business by the big supermarket chains the way they have in the States (there is no longer a real bakery in my home town; Shop Rite and Walmart and Target put them all out of business). There are also a myriad of smaller convenience stores everywhere. I couldn't get my Ocean Spray Light Cranberry juice at the bigger market near my apartment, but I know I can get it at the mini-market across the street. But I got the bulk of the shopping done (and they do home delivery so I didn't have to throw my back out dragging a cart of heavy groceries home and up one flight of stairs (no elevator in our building but we're only one flight up).

How I did yesterday: Really good! Even despite insomnia, I did NOT snack!
How I'm doing today (so far): quite good (it's 5pm), and even got in some walking.