Playing self-care catch-up

This week has been about playing catch-up with my long list of things I want or need to do in order to take care of myself better.

Last week I finally went to the dentist, knowing it would be bad news, and it was: I have a whopper of a cavity and in order to save the tooth, a crown is needed. Cha-ching: 950 euros. Ouch. I'm getting the temp crown in tomorrow and paying half of that. Ouch-ouch. Then when I get back from my US trip in December, I'll get the permanent crown and pay the balance (maybe by then we'll get reimbursed by insurance). I also need a cleaning but that will came after I get through this repair job.

Yesterday, I had a check-up with my internist along with a review of recent lab work. Good news is, my weight stayed the same as when I saw him in the spring, and my triglycerides are well within normal range for the first time in a while. Bad news is my cholesterol is still too high and even a tiny bit higher than last time, but the doctor is taking a watchful stance before putting me on medication.

I also need to see a podiatrist (plantar fasciitis) and also take care of a few things in the "women's doctor" category, so I have referrals sitting on my nightstand to take care of all of that when I get back in December. I feel good that I'm finally handling these things, some of which are really overdue. I have had an aversion to dealing with French doctors and dentists because of my difficulties with the language, but now that I've gotten better at understanding and communicating, I have a bit more confidence and less anxiety.

Last but not last, I FINALLY got my hair cut and colored today, something I last had done 4 months ago. So you can just imagine how much better I look and feel now. I'm rockin' it as a red-head again; mousy brown-gray roots, be gone!

It helps to remember that self-care isn't ONLY about my weight, and there are other things I can and should do to practice good self-care.

Day What? I give up on the days thing

So the last post was October 19th. Today is November 8th. In that time lapse, I have done zippety do-dah with regard to weight loss, but I haven't gained any weight either. Just sort of maintaining the status quo. Much like politics in Washington DC this week (and yes, I'm pleased about Obama being re-elected, but he'd better get in there and do a better job this time around). I've decided to stop labeling posts with Day Blah-Blah because I've lost track of how long its been, and I can't count that high without using my fingers.

Life as I know it has just sort of taken over. My step-son was with us for nearly 3 straight weeks when his mom had a bout of an unexpected illness (she has since recovered and fortunately it was never life-threatening, just bad enough that she really couldn't have the boy at home with her; that wouldn't have been good for either of them). So, more care-taking stuff to do at the homestead during that time. In less than 2 weeks, I'm heading home to New Jersey to spend 16 days with my family and to enjoy the first family Thanksgiving I've had since 2005 (that will be really cool).

I am still trying to do the "one healthy thing a day" bit, although I'm not sure I'm always successful at it. Sometimes the healthy thing seems really minute, like today I chose to eat an apple instead of something less healthy. However, today I DID finally get around to making an appointment to get my hair cut and colored next week (so long overdue, last time it was JULY!) and then I made a dentist appointment for tomorrow because I'm pretty sure I have a big ol' cavity and it's getting uncomfortable. I don't want to go back to NJ on my vacation and end up having to see a local dentist, since I don't have health-care coverage there anymore. Hopefully they can patch me up and I'll be ok until I get back; if I need more extensive dental work, it will have to wait until December, but at least I can get this one thing handled and off my "list". 

I'm clearly in some sort of funk, though, when it comes to take care of the bigger projects in my life. I'm not depressed (I've had depression and I know what that feels like, and this isn't it) but it's more like I feel just plain unmotivated. And this doesn't only extend to my commitment to my health, but to housecleaning and writing as well. "I ought to be doing things" seems to be my catch-phrase.

I'll get past it eventually. I always do.

Day 125: Quickie

Super-quick post today, as it's nearly 10pm and I'm wiped out.

The "do one healthy intentional thing a day to be proud of" campaign continues. Yesterday I didn't get out for any exercise BUT I did stop myself before eating a lot of junk food for lunch instead of taking a few minutes and preparing something healthier. I ended up with a half-cup of gazpacho, a garden salad with lemon juice instead of oil and vinegar, and a cup of left-over plain pasta (it had a little butter and salt but not much, and no heavy sauces). Compared to what I normally might eat at that time of day, that was a huge improvement.

Today my healthy thing was getting my ass out of bed before eating and going to get some necessary routine blood work. Which I absolutely HATE; I'm a total baby about stuff like that. I'm sure my cholesterol is up and I'll get a lecture, but the main reason I went to get it is to get a renewal on my BP meds, and my doctor is very conscientious about not giving renewals if I haven't had blood work at least once a year. Good for him, seriously.

Overall as well, the past two days I have really resisted the temptation to snack out on sugar and things that don't serve my long-term goals. I wanted to, believe me. But I didn't.

So far so good, and finding things to feel proud of, even if in other areas of my life I'm still not performing at my best. We'll talk about that another day.

Bonne nuit, all.

Day 123: One thing a day

I'm trying something different. I've decided to do a minimum of ONE thing a day, related to improving my health, of which I can feel proud. It has to involve making an intentional effort or conscious choice of some sort, rather than at the end of the day suddenly realizing I "accidentally" did something healthy. The idea is that I realize I need to retrain both my thoughts and my habits, and I have to start with intentional, conscious effort.

Today, I needed to go to the electric company to deal with something. The nearest office is either 1 or 2 bus rides away and could take up to 20 minutes, depending upon which route I take and how much traffic there is. I also needed to do some food shopping. There is a good supermarket next door to the electric company offices. So, instead of taking the bus, I decided to walk to the EDF office, and I took my grocery cart so that I could do the food shopping afterwards. Depending on how I felt at that point, and on the weather (it was threatening to rain), I thought I might even walk home but gave myself the option of taking the bus back.

I timed myself on my walk. I took my time, and even stopped and looked in a few shop windows here and there. I actually wasn't feeling 100% this morning but I did it anyway, and THAT was a victory. When I got to the EDF office, I took a look at my timer, which said 58 minutes!

After I got the EDF situation taken care of, I did the food shopping. As I got to the checkout I realized it was pouring rain and I had not brought an umbrella. So, I would take the bus. But to get in a little extra activity, I took the direct bus which was a 10-minute walk away, instead of the first of the 2 buses where the first stop was right outside the supermarket. With my packed grocery cart, I knew I'd burn a few extra calories, and I still had an additional 3 minutes of walking PLUS hauling the cart up the stairs when I got home.

I figure all totalled, I had about 90 minutes straight on my feet, including walking around the supermarket. That's more than I get in an average "normal" day, and I did it intentionally! I also, when doing the food shopping, did NOT buy any of my usual "trouble" foods. We do keep some cookies and snacks in the house for my step-son and husband, but since I do the shopping, I chose things that I don't actually crave at all so I'm unlikely to eat what we DO have.

I also faced the music and got on the scale this morning: 224.5 which means UP again. But it is what it is and I'm not dwelling on it.

I'm keeping a little chart here where I will check off each day I keep my commitment to doing one intentionally healthy thing a day. If I do more, even better, but for now I'm focusing on the one-a-day approach as a starting point. And allowing myself to feel proud of whatever that effort entails.

Day 121: Loser

Weight loss is the one area in life where everyone actually WANTS to be a big loser. Ironically, it is also the one area where, if we're not a big loser in the physical sense, we feel like a HUGE loser emotionally.

I've been struggling with this a lot lately. Intellectually, I know that the more I put my energy into thoughts and beliefs such as "I'll never lose this weight" or "What the fuck is WRONG with me, why can't I stick to my commitment to myself and get healthy?" or any other of a million negative thoughts I might have about this subject, then the more I am likely to stay stuck exactly where I am. Self-fulfilling prophesy, you know? We get what we focus on. I KNOW this... and yet those thoughts are still there, at the root of any more positive thoughts I might have.

I had a dream the other night where for some odd reason, I was near a beach-front area of some kind and I was for some strange reason trying to help some of the local condo owners sell their properties. And two of the people I was trying to help turned out to be sisters Olivia and Hannah from The Biggest Loser Season 11. Olivia won the season and Hannah came in a very close second, and they have kept the weight off ever since. They look utterly fabulous and it's clear that for them, somewhere during their BL season, that "switch" in their brains -- the one that every dieter need to find for themselves if they want to create lasting change with regard to their weight and their health -- had been flipped, because unlike some of the past seasons' contestants and winners who regained some or all of their weight, Olivia and Hannah really seem to have embraced what they learned during the course of the show and have transformed their entire lives accordingly. So they're the kinds of "Losers" who inspire me.

Why I had them in my dream and why my dream had anything whatsoever to do with selling beach-front real estate is beyond me, but dreams aren't about logic.

Ever since I had that dream, I've been rewatching the BL Season 11 episodes. That season was one of my personal favorites as for the most part it was a lot less about "game play" than many of the others and it had fewer contestants who annoyed the hell out of me. I am looking for something that will spark my resolve again. I was at a writer's group meeting on Sunday and at that meeting there were two men who happened to be vegans. One had turned to veganism because he'd had a TIA just this past June and needed to radically change his eating habits and lifestyle (and he's dropped something like 45 lbs since then); the other had turned to veganism because his father had had a quadruple bypass and he (the son) didn't want to follow down that same scary road.

Personally, I'd like to find a spark that doesn't involve that sort of radical change in my diet because frankly, although I'm not a huge meat-eater, there are times I not only enjoy some beef or poultry but I really seem to need the protein boost. (And the whole veganism thing just seems like far too much work and a bit too extreme, so please don't try and "sell" me on it 'cuz I'm not going there.)

My point is, I'm stuck AGAIN on this journey and I'm looking for whatever is going to kick my ass into gear again. Winter and the holidays are quickly approaching, I'm going home to my family in NJ for Thanksgiving and I'd really like to be at least 4-5 lbs lighter when I get there to combat the inevitable few pounds gain that typically happens when I go back. I haven't had Thanksgiving with my family since 2005 so I don't plan to go overboard but I also don't plan to skip all that good food completely. The trouble is, NJ is a car culture and I know that for 2 weeks I won't get in anywhere near as much walking as I do in my normal life in Paris. So... better to plan ahead and drop a few pounds in advance.

So, that's what's going on here. How are you all doing? Tell us your success stories or share your frustrations. It's all fair game. :)

Day 115: Blessings

Today marks five years since the day I first met my husband and we had our first date.

I feel so fortunate to have met him and to have someone in my life who makes me smile every single day. I don't recall another period of time in my life where I had something to be happy about EVERY DAY, but that's how it's been since we met, and it's not an exaggeration. It doesn't mean there aren't problems in our daily lives from time to time, but how could I not have at least some moments of pure joy each day, when he looks into my eyes with such sincere and unconditional love?

I sometimes wonder what it takes to feel that sort of unconditional love for myself. I am way too hard on myself (i.e. a bit of a bully) and although I do try and release all of that negativity, it seems to be very deeply ingrained. I could pass the blame onto others in my past for that, but what good does THAT do?

But today, I don't want to focus on all the things I'm doing wrong with regard to my commitment to my health. Today, I prefer to focus on the love, the joy, the happiness and all the blessings.

Day 111: Braveheart in action

If you haven't already seen it, you need to see this: a Wisconsin news anchor's on-air response to a anti-fat hate mail she received from a viewer.

Bravo to her! How brave, and also how smart she was to see this for what it was: bullying at it's most insidious. The people who write emails, Facebook messages, Tweets and blog comments pretending to be "helpful" when really they are just being mean girls (or boys) at heart are nothing more than bullies who somehow believe they have the right (or even the moral obligation) to point out the flaws and failings in the rest of us, as THEY perceive them. I've received such messages, although rarely (and not because of my weight) and it's not easy to set aside the inevitable hurt feelings, even when you realize that the kind of people who would try to bully you? Are people who are themselves emotionally and spiritually bankrupt.

If someone in your life is bullying you about your weight (even if that bullying is disguised as "I'm only trying to help you!"), then step away from those would would do that. You don't need to be around that kind of energy, I don't care WHO they are. I'm lucky: I don't have any "weight bullies" in my life at this moment (although my mom can still push my buttons from time to time). But if I did have someone like that, I'd be doing everything in my power to keep them at arm's length. It's hard enough to lose weight without that kind of abuse.

And we need to stop bullying OURSELVES, while we're at it.

Day 104: Surprise

Today I had to wear a belt to keep a particular pair of jeans from falling off my butt.

Lest I take full credit it may not be due me, I will just say that these jeans have always been a little bit big in the waist. When I bought them they were "comfortable" but after wearing them (and not having a clothes dryer to shrink the fibers a bit), they get a bit TOO roomy sometimes.

Well, following my over-the-weekend gastro weight drop, I got tired of constantly having to pull my pants up all day long. After all, I'm not a 16-year-old wannabee rapper and no one needs to see my underwear.

So I found a belt. I actually only have two belts and one of them came with a pair of jean shorts I bought this summer, and it's narrow and made of fabric. The other belt is thicker, less comfortable and made of black leather and I think I've only ever worn it once. I went with the cloth one because it would be more comfy and less bulky under my sweater (oh, I also put on a sweater I haven't worn in a while because it was getting too tight and didn't look right on me. Now it looks much nicer).

Because fat girls don't usually DO belts, do we? At least, not often, and not with the same effect as a nice belt can have on a skinny girl's outfit.

So we all know that feeling when we can FINALLY start wearing belts again!

I have a long, long way to go and belts won't be a regular part of my wardrobe for a while yet. But putting one on today gave me a glimpse of what kind of fashion fun I can have, somewhere down the road a bit.

Day 102: Silver lining

There are many things in life on which we might disagree if we knew each other in "real life", but I think we can all agree on this one critical point: It sucks to have a stomach bug.

This one hit me over the weekend, some time late Saturday morning. I know it wasn't food-related as my husband and I had eaten the same thing for dinner and breakfast, and he was fine. (Well, he said he felt a little "off" but fortunately for him it didn't amount to anything.) I spent the day running back and forth to our tiny WC cabine. No amount of Immodium or Pepto Bismol seemed to do much good. And oh, the nausea! (I've always said that I would make a lousy bulemic as I absolutely can't stand to vomit.) It kept me up all night long as well, which meant I only got about 4 hours of sleep total, and of that 4 hours only about 2 were what I could call "quality" sleep. Sunday was spent recuperating slowly and it ended with a headache that was probably a result of having to lie down in bed too long.

What I most resent about a stomach bug (outside of the obvious) is the massive inconvenience it brings to my life. Here it was, the weekend, family time, on top of which I had a huge list of things that absolutely must be done. We had guests checking out of our rental apartment (cleaning, inspection, and preparing for next guests who arrive on Wednesday, and who happily will stay for a full month). I did a lot of laundry (it seems all I do anymore is laundry, between the two apartments -- and we have no clothes dryer which means either I have to hang-dry everything and our apartment looks like a tenement, or I have to haul it all, wet, down to the laundromat to spin dry at a cost of about 3-4 euros per load). And somehow I even managed to get out of the apartment on Saturday afternoon long enough to do the food shopping... and then just afterward the stomach bug got serious about beating the shit out of me. I was grateful for one thing during that long 30 hours of illness: that I was the only one in the family who seemed to have it. We have only one toilet in the house.

However, there is one part of a stomach bug that can almost -- for a chronic dieter like me -- make it seem worth the agony. And that is the sometimes massive weight loss that follows a couple of days of being unable to eat and your body releasing a lot of, well, stuff.

I dropped 4.1 pounds. Bringing me to a new low weight (since I started this journey 102 days ago) to 217.5, a 7.5 pound total loss.

Believe me, I realize there may be a boomerang effect and that at least half that will probably come right back as soon as my body stabilizes itself. But I can also use this to my advantage and try to build on this -- well, I can't really call it a "success", more of a "situation" -- to get some momentum going again. There is something about seeing a new lower number on the scale, no matter what disgusting things occurred to get you there, that can suddenly make you want the numbers to drop even more.

So, I wouldn't have asked for a stomach bug as a means of restarting my weight loss efforts but since I had one anyway, I might as well look for the silver lining and get on with things.

Paused

I seem to have inadvertently pressed "pause" on this blog. And on my attempts to lose weight.

I'm embarrassed to say that the past couple of weeks I have not even bothered to weigh in. And we all know what THAT means.

I could say that I've been juggling a lot in my personal life. I could say that I'm up to my eyeballs in paperwork to attempt to get French nationality. I could say that the back-to-school period required some unexpected shifts in our family schedule. I could say I've been under additional stress.

All of that would be true. It's still no excuse. Life happens, and weight loss shouldn't stop cold because of life happening. But somehow, it does.

I know I'll come back to it sooner or later. Hopefully it will be sooner. I have a doctor's checkup next month and he's going to want a report on my cholesterol level; it would be nice to show him I am making some efforts to improve my overall health. I'm not enthused about taking another medication for cholesterol but it may come to that if I don't lose enough weight. (On the other hand I do have a genetically low "good" cholesterol and that's the kind of thing that is difficult to fix without medication unless you're able to exercise a lot. And right now extreme exercise is out of the question for me.)

I know you've been wondering why the radio silence, and now you know. I'll be back, though.

Days 85-89: Ups and Downs

First, I'll just report that last week when I weighed in, I did drop 1 lb. I kind of "felt" a little lighter that day, so it was nice to see that my sense of my own body was accurately reflected on the scale. We all have days where we feel fatter or thinner, but sometimes I think that's more in our heads than the reality. Body awareness is important.

I've been reading Valerie Frankel's 2008 memoir, "Thin is the New Happy", about her challenges with what I think could safely be called an addiction to dieting (more than simply calling it "struggles with losing weight". Her fat-phobic mother started her on a diet when she was something like 11 years old because she was a little bit pudgier than her siblings. The woman monitored her food intake and berated her beyond belief for years. Then, as an adult in her early 40s, Valerie realized she'd spent her entire adult life being Valedictorian of Dieting... and she decided to STOP. I'm only about 1/4 of the way through the book so I can't tell you how it turns out, but I must admit I see glimpses of myself within the pages (although unlike Valerie, I could not tell you the precise calorie count of any food other than a 1-calorie Tic-Tac).

I spent the weekend with my husband and young step-son, visiting my step-daughter in the French city of Lille. It was my first time there, and I love going anywhere new in Europe for the first time. I found the city delightful, and my step-daughter and her boyfriend found a great new apartment just at the center of the city, where there are many pedestrian shopping areas, a huge square, beautiful architecture (that seemed more Belgian than French, but as Lille is on the border with Belgium I can understand the influences must overlap).

Food traditions in France vary greatly from region to region, and in the Nord-Pas-de-Calais region, you can forget about that heart-healthy Mediterranean stuff. (Georges says there is an invisible border that separates the north of France from the south, and that border is the dividing line between butter and olive oil.) There was cheese and great beer and bread everywhere you looked (I had one meal that contained all three in one bowl). However, we did try and eat most of our meals at the apartment, and since my step-daughter is also on Weight Watchers and doing quite well (I could definitely see a difference although she has more she wants to lose), she made an effort to prepare lots of salads and things that were a bit better for all of us.

Still, we had a birthday to celebrate: my step-son's 11th! So, there was a cake on the table for lunch yesterday, one that had lots of meringues in it so it SEEMED lighter, although I'm sure it was very high in sugar if not in fat. It was delicious, though. (What? You didn't think I was going to turn down birthday cake did you? I did ask for a smaller slice, though.)

I gave up trying to track points after Saturday's restaurant lunch where I tried a local specialty that was swimming in cheese, oil and salt. It was very good, but I don't think I'd order it again unless I was trying to warm up on a very frigid day; Lille has lots of those in the winter, but this weekend it was like summer! And after that meal, all I wanted to do was sleep.

The good news is, there was lots of walking if not a lot of actual sleeping (we slept on an air mattress, and every time one of us moved, the other bounced around too). Plus on Friday I got in my usual rental apartment-cleaning workout, and today I had to hike up to the rental apartment and back again, deliberately NOT taking the bus. So hopefully I managed to mitigate some of the calorie-intake damage.

On the balance, though, I had a great weekend. It was fun to see what a nice apartment our girl and her beau have found, fun to see them with their first real home (instead of the tiny studio she'd been renting before, and he was living at home with his family until they moved in together last month), and fun to experience a new part of France. It's only an hour away on the fast train, so I'm thinking I could run up there once in awhile and spend the day with her, shopping, when she doesn't have a lot of school work to do. Lille is a lovely city and we've only explored a small portion of it. I can see why she likes living there (lousy winter weather notwithstanding - but I'm from New Jersey and I'm used to bad winters).

We'll see how the scale reads this Thursday when I weigh in again. Meantime I can do some more walking and eat more moderately this week, and that's all I can do.

Days 80-84: This sucks. That is all.

I am sitting here drenched in a river of my own sweat. My hair looks as damp as if I had just jumped out of a swimming pool. But I am on dry land, fully dressed. Yet I am sitting next to an open window with a nice cool breeze blowing on me. It's not even a hot day.

Welcome to my latest hell: hot flashes.

I have always been a lady who unfortunately schvitzes like a heavyweight prize fighter after a match. The menopause years are just bringing it (or perhaps I should say wringing it) out of me tenfold. And it comes from out of nowhere sometimes, from little or even no physical effort whatsoever. What did I just do to trigger the latest cascade? I covered my step-son's school book with plastic.

I know a lot of women go through this at this phase of life. I also think being overweight makes me sweat even more. All that extra body fat generates a lot of additional heat, especially when I'm eating or moving. Another reason I would like to be substantially leaner would be to hopefully reduce these episodes of very unfeminine perspiration.

Here's someone who looks exactly like I feel right now (except for the cancer part, fortunately). It's when Samantha's chemo threw her into early menopause, and it's one of my favorite menopause scenes ever, as well as being a bold statement for cancer survivors:

I've got my period this week (yeah, not totally in menopause yet, but the periods are getting more "hit or miss") so weigh-in tomorrow may be impacted. Although I put on a pair of jeans this week that I hadn't worn in a few months, and they zipped right up comfortably on the first try. So that's something to feel good about.

And now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go stick my head in the freezer.

Day 79: Exercise helps

So I did remember get on the scale to weigh in this morning, before breakfast. And astonishingly, I broke even, despite my many food-related indiscretions this past week.

I can only chalk this up to having gotten in some serious cardio the past few days, although not in a gym. Two days ago I had to clean and prepare our rental apartment for new guests, and each time I do that it takes at least two full hours of sweat. That day I also had a lot of up-hill (and down-hill) walking as well. Yesterday was more of the same, including two trips to pick up and bring home a playmate of my step-son, and his family lives on the 4th (5th American) floor of a building with no elevator. (It could have been worse; he's got another friend who lives on the 6th (7th American) floor of a neighboring building with no elevator, and I avoid going there like the plague despite the fact that I like the kid and his family. But seriously? Who wants an apartment on the 7 floor with no elevator? They're younger parents than we are so maybe they've got more energy.)

I've also banned soda from the house - even the sugar-free stuff. I will have it once in a while now when I'm out somewhere, but that involves buying a single serving rather than having liters of it at my disposal. My husband agrees with this for himself also; we were drinking too much of it. So it's juice and water in our house now, and I think drinking the extra water is helping me as well.

As you can see, I'm trying to focus more on what I'm doing right rather than what I'm doing wrong. That's not to say that I'm unaware I am still making poor choices, and that this must stop if I want to drop the weight. I've been on WW and writing this blog now for 79 days and at the moment I'm still only showing a TOTAL loss of 2.4 pounds.

This is not exactly a good thing.

Day... ?: Fallen

I have fallen way off the wagon, I must admit. Not sure why, exactly. Nothing has "happened" that is particularly shocking, upsetting or stressful (well, nothing stressful that wasn't already there all along anyway). But I'm back at home and getting back into my usual routine... and my "routine" apparently leaves a lot of room for mindless snacking and not bothering to plan ahead for what I'm eating when I'm home alone all day. Need to start fresh and focus on ingraining some much better habits into my lifestyle, or nothing will ever change. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results (said Ben Franklin).

My step-daughter is apparently doing great on WW though. She's lost, as of Monday, 10 kilos which is 22 pounds, and in just five weeks! I'm so proud of her and she seems really happy to be getting results with a program that is, as she calls it, "so efficient". Clearly, she is learning that she can lose weight and take control of her body without suffering or starving, and at 21 this is a very valuable thing for her to be discovering. Good habits instilled now can last her a lifetime. I think she may always be someone who has to think about her weight and what she's putting in her mouth -- it's just her physical make-up -- but what I've been telling her is that now she has the tools to manage this over the course of her life. I think this appeals to her logical mind more than some emotional rationale might. That's a law student for you, you have to give them facts and evidence to prove your case. :)

For me, overeating is definitely a more emotion-related thing. I can give all sorts of logical "reasons" why I do this or that, but at the end of the day when I over-indulge it is always a matter of some inner trigger and me just reacting to it automatically, without thinking (or if I do think about it, I manage to push those thoughts aside while eating another piece of chocolate).

Today was actually supposed to be weigh-in day but I'm going to weigh in tomorrow, as I completely forgot about weighing myself this morning and now I've already eaten breakfast. I'm not anticipating good news but I have to face the realities. On the more positive side, I got in a great workout yesterday what with cleaning our rental apartment for three hours and walking there (steep uphill walk) and back TWICE because of guests checking out and checking in. I need more of THAT sort of thing, for sure.

As Scarlett O'Hara said at the end of "Gone With the Wind", when facing yet another crisis in her life: "Tomorrow is another day!"

Days 70-71: Do-over

OK, so 222.6 today. Yes, weigh-in day again. I'm down for the week but up about 2 lbs. from my great success of having lost that first 5 lbs. Now I will have to re-lose those pounds. Yet again.

Not super happy about all this, but it is what it is, and dwelling on it won't make things better. What will make things better is to shake off the past mistakes and start over.

Maybe what is important for me to take away from this is that weight loss is always, always, always a do-over opportunity. If you fall down, you get back up again and keep moving. It's never too late unless you DECIDE it's too late. You can always start fresh.

I went to the supermarket yesterday and was proud of myself for buying NO fizzy sugary drinks and NO cookies or sweets. I did buy a bag of potato chips for my husband but I don't like salty snacks, so there's no danger there for me from having them in the house. We do have cookies in the house because we have a child who is actually a little under-weight, so other than just not wanting him to have too much sugar (that's not healthy for anyone) there is no reason to prevent him from having a treat every afternoon. But I am trying to buy cookies I don't even like, so I'm less tempted. Unfortunately the kid has now discovered Oreos.

Instead, I bought mainly fruits and vegetables and chicken and yogurt. Then last night I made a stir-fry of chicken, zucchini and red peppers with a little bit of teriyaki sauce. Probably a little too much sodium in the sauce for the night before a weigh-in (I learned long ago that on Weight Watchers you try to avoid salty foods the day before you weigh) but it was easy and delicious. And I got to try out these new ceramic knives we bought on vacation (we're into the French "Master Chef" TV show and my husband spotted these knives that they talked about on the show last season) - they are FABULOUS! Anyway, dinner was light and delicious and healthy. And I got to feel a bit more virtuous.

So the do-over begins. Do-over... do-BETTER. That's my motto for the week.

Days 58-69: Back from vacation

We got back from our vacation last Wednesday, and last Thursday was my first weigh-in at home on my regular scale in almost four weeks. I had a gain of about 2.6 pounds. Then, we took our youngest to Disneyland Paris over the weekend during the HOTTEST TWO DAYS OF 2012.

I sweated and walked off that whole 2.6 lbs. Talk about losing weight the hard way, that heat wave was hell. We still had fun at Disney but just didn't do as many things as we ideally wanted to do; the heat made it impossible to fit everything in without taking frequent breaks to cool off.

Although I would have liked to have lost more on this vacation over the past month, the fact is that I'm probably lucky I didn't gain 10 lbs. We were with my sister-in-law for 3 weeks and 3 days of our time away, and she just got out of the hospital (hip replacement) and since she's actually under-weight, she needed some fattening up to improve her health. My husband took on this challenge and consequently there was a lot of beef, potatoes and other good things cooked and served without weight-LOSS in mind at all. I did my best to get in some activity every day, but there were a few super-hot days where it just made more sense to lay low in an air-conditioned room. I don't deal with extreme heat very well. On the upside, I was very pleased that I had ZERO mobility problems on this trip: walking, swimming and moving around in general was easy, natural and NORMAL. After a rough winter and spring where I had increasing issues with joint pain and found out I have arthritis in my ankles and knees, it feels good to just be able to get around without pain again!

Now that we're home, the vacation is over (and the heatwave is nearly done, I think), I can get back to basics. My husband and I tend to get lazy about meals when we're on our own without any kids to feed, and we'll have more days on our own now that the holidays are winding down, so this is a challenge.

So... lots of fresh salads, chicken and fish will be on the menu, I think. I want to cut back on the red meat and potatoes and fried stuff for a couple of weeks. Also the sweets: vacation was an excuse to eat bonbons (what the French call all sorts of candies like gummy bears, etc.) and ice cream.

In the past, if I had overdone things on a holiday, I might come back and just give up altogether. What I am choosing to do differently this time is to NOT let my success or lack of success at vacation weight loss derail me from my long-term goal: to be fit, slim and healthy in my 50s and beyond!

Days 51-57: Saboteur!

Picture me shrugging my shoulders right now.

Had a little gain this week, which I was kind of expecting. I have this bad habit, when I'm trying to lose weight, where after I have a good week I sort of go out of my way to have a less good one. I ate some stuff I really didn't need to eat, and for no good reason other than "I just felt like it". While I'm eating poorly, I know damn well what I'm doing to myself, and yet I keep on doing it.

Does anyone else sometimes find themselves self-sabotaging like this (or in some other respect)? I think it must be a fairly normal occurrence but not exactly healthy or productive. For years I have tried to figure out why I sometimes do things like this, and so far the only thing I have come up with is: Fear.

But fear of WHAT? Fear of success? Could be. Fear of what life would be like if I wasn't using food as an emotional crutch for every freaking little thing? Definite possibility. Maybe all of the above. I haven't hit on one definitive thing though.

People self-sabotage for all kinds of reasons, but in the end if you want to lose weight and get fit and healthy, you have to quit the sabotaging behaviors whether you fully understand them or not. This is something I have struggled with in other areas of my life, not just in weight loss: I have this strong need to "understand" all the whys and wherefores, and if I don't understand why then I feel like I can't change things.

But that's not really true! If we wait until we know the reason WHY then we are just using the lack of knowing as another excuse NOT to achieve what we want. Right?

So I think what I need to do is kick my inner saboteur's ass to the curb, and just GET OVER MYSELF already.

Three steps forward; two steps back. Not giving up.

Days 47-50: Jumping for joy

Well, there is good news afoot!

First of all, the thing I was stressing about has turned out to be nothing, and all is well. And since if it had gone the other way, it would have been potentially very bad indeed, my sense of relief is HUGE. So I've spent the last day and a half simply feeling grateful (that is, when I haven't been fighting of one of my classic monthly migraines). But hey, you can't have everything and I'll take a lousy migraine any day if it means the people I love are healthy and well!

So this is fabulous stuff. Also fabulous stuff is the fact that I somehow managed to drop 4 lbs this week and finally hit and surpassed my first 5-lb weight loss target! OK so it took me seven weeks to lose that 5.7 lbs, but who the eff cares about that, right? The past two days I haven't had much of an appetite because of the headache thing, but also I've been really watching my portions and doing my best to just eat moderately. That means stopping at ONE pastis at apéro (which we don't do every night anyway) and having ice cream only every OTHER day. (What? Did you think I wasn't going to eat ice cream at the beach in summer?) I also had the fun of seeing the scale, which is in metric here where I'm staying on vacation, drop below 100 kilos for the first time in a LONG time. My doctor would be thrilled. (He'll be even more thrilled when I show up for my next checkup this fall having lost even MORE weight; he's been threatening me with cholesterol meds for two years now.)

And my stepdaughter is working the program too, and doing extremely well so far. It's really her first time doing something like this, so for her this is also about educating herself when it comes to nutrition, food shopping and cooking. She got big results in her first 10 days but it turns out she was not really eating quite enough food every day, according to what the WW program says she ought to have. I don't think she was doing it on purpose, but it's a common issue with people on WW; they think they can lose faster if they cut out a few points of their daily food intake. And yes, in the short run, you CAN lose faster... but you can't sustain that, and sooner or later it backfires when the body goes into the starvation response and starts holding on to that body fat. I've had a chat with her about this so she understands better what she needs to do, and that slower really IS better when it comes to creating lasting change. I'm so proud of her for making this effort for herself. She'll get the hang of it, and it's great that she can use this time in the summer months to make a fresh start, before the demands of her second year of law school take over in September.

I'm excited that things are going in a better direction for both of us (it really is helping me to be helping her) and that I'm still enjoying my holidays without really worrying too much about what I'm eating. I've made my peace with the super-slow-and-steady approach to this thing. Now I can focus on the next 5 lbs (now less than 5 lbs away, actually), which will get me to a total of 10 lbs lost when I get there! And hey, another 5 lbs after that, and I can try on my wedding dress and expect to fit into it.

Onward and downward!

Days 45-46: Creeping

So my weight loss is creeping downward but seems like things are going better: another -1.1 this time (and not even my regular weigh-in day until Thursday). I'm not 100% at tracking my food intake but every day I'm tracking something. Drinking a lot more water, which I really seem to need in the hot climate. I think I'm just not snacking mindlessly (even with the added stress I'm under this week -- and by the way there's nothing wrong with me personally, I'm fine, just concerned about someone else I know and love). And the greatly reduced snacking habit is helping me a lot to balance the fact that I don't have total control over the way meals are being prepared, whether at home or in a restaurant.

Today I had a delicious lobster ravioli dish at lunch, which I enjoyed, but it was a bit too salty so I think I'll be paying for that in water weight gain tomorrow. But I skipped the appetizer course so I could eat my main course without getting too full. The French tend to eat their big meal of the day in courses, and if they go all-out (which they do NOT do on a daily basis), they would have an appetizer, the main course, a salad afterward, then cheese followed by a dessert and coffee. We pretty much only do something that extensive on holidays, so when we eat out we limit ourselves to either an appetizer + main course (skipping dessert), OR main course + dessert (skipping the starter) to balance things out. Today, I went for the dessert which was supposed to be 3 scoops of ice cream; I asked to have just ONE.

It's not about being perfect and depriving myself; it's about moderation, balance, and making an informed decision. I'm on vacation so I want to enjoy what I am eating or drinking, without guilt. So far, that's working pretty well because I haven't felt very guilty AT ALL. :)

It's kind of fun weighing myself in kilos instead of pounds because 1 kilogram = 2.2 pounds, so in metric I weigh less than half of what I weigh in American. A silly mental game, but kind of fun. Thank goodness I have a US/metric conversion app on my iPhone so I know what I'm REALLY doing.

Tomorrow will be a mixed bag: swimming in a pool in the morning, so I can get in some low-impact exercise. Then lunch at the beach followed by vegging out all afternoon on a beach chair under an umbrella (with swim breaks here and there to cool off). Then what I hope will be a very light dinner since we'll be lunching at the beach-front restaurant.

And now, back to my siesta...

Days 40-44: Ahhhh

We've been in the south of France since last weekend and the non-stop sunshine is doing us a world of good. (Although I'm not much of a hot-weather person and at times the heat is a bit too much for me, if there is no breeze. But I am a lot less needy of air conditioning than I used to be, so there's that.)

One of my challenges on this vacation is that my step-son and my sister-in-law both need to gain weight. So my husband, who is doing the cooking at the moment, is cooking to fatten them up: lots of meat and potatoes cooked with oil. Not precisely the best formula for weight LOSS (although it all tastes wonderful). We do try and off-set those heavier meals with lighter fare when we can. For instance, at lunch today my husband made one of his trademark amazing salads, and although he makes his own vinaigrette and there were avocados in the salad, it was still something I felt much better about eating. (Plus, in the heat, who wants to eat a big heavy lunch anyway, right?)

Sometimes, when we're eating out, I get lucky with the restaurant menu, too. The other day I had an amazing salad that had tiny shrimps and chunks of mango and grapefruit in it, and yesterday I had this:

Jumbo shrimp (gambas) cooked in pastis (!) over sauteed zucchini and sugar snap peas, a little steamed rice with little chunks of cucumber, and a mini-quiche. Delicious, and I didn't even eat much of the quiche (it was good but I don't really like eggs).

On days when we're at the beach, I make sure to get in some swimming and water "toning" exercises. It's been very hot so we haven't been getting in quite as much walking as we normally would, so I try and take advantage of the water when I can.

I'm drinking a lot of extra water to stay hydrated... but I do admit to having a little wine or pastis each evening. 

When I weighed in yesterday, although it wasn't my normal scale, I had lost 0.3 lbs. That's not much but it's not a gain, and with the heat I know I've been retaining a bit of water so this was a good result.

I had one more "victory" today. Although I am on vacation, I have been extremely stressed by a personal situation which I can't elaborate upon at the moment (and where it will be a few days yet before I know what's going on whether good or bad), and today while I was in the supermarket I went (on purpose) into the candy aisle, intending to buy some chocolate so that I could stress-eat later. But when I got there and looked at all the candy... I suddenly didn't want any of it! (Wow, that might be a first!) I don't know why, but it just didn't look appetizing to me in that moment. So... I walked away and bought NO junk food for myself whatsoever. If the situation in question will end up being bad news, it could be VERY bad; but it also could be nothing, or at least not be as bad as I fear. In the meantime, until I know more, I don't feel like eating to cope with the stress. That, right there, is HUGE for me.

Still, we're in a lovely part of the world and enjoying ourselves, and life is for enjoying in the moment. And that's what we're doing.

Day 38-39: Breakthroughs come when least expected

Yesterday I had the opportunity to spend the entire day with my step-daughter. She is nearly 21 and goes to university in another part of France, so we usually only see her once every so many weeks (or months). We get along well, but for whatever reason we have never gotten in the habit of spending time together doing things on our own. But yesterday after she helped me out with a personal favor, I asked if she wanted to go shoe shopping with me and I got an enthusiastic yes!

Shoe shopping turned into clothes shopping, and that turned into dinner out. During which time I was finally able to get up the nerve to approach her about a very touchy subject: her substantial weight gain during the two years she's been away at school. It's something that we have noticed for a long time, but haven't felt sure of how to talk to her about it (or whether we even had the right to bring it up at all, as she IS an adult). We know she is happy with a lot of her life: nice boyfriend, nice apartment, studies going well, likes the town she lives in. So we haven't been worried about there being any deep, dark secret she wasn't telling us; we just figured being a normal college student, she might be developing lazy eating habits, partying a little too much, and buying cheap food to stay within a budget.

Weight Watchers proved to be the thing that helped me break the ice with her about it. Last time she was home, I casually mentioned to her that I was on Weight Watchers, but I didn't say anything about HER weight. Then yesterday while we were walking around, I told her about the whole "I'm fatter than a Tongan" thing. I figured if I was open with her about my own struggles, it might eventually lead to an opening where I could either ask her about her own weight, or she might decide to volunteer something.

That opening came over dinner last night, and without sharing too many of her personal details (because this blog isn't really about her), the long and short of it is, she decided to take me up on my invitation to join Weight Watchers (I told her I wanted to support her and so did her father, and we'd pay for her to join the program). It exists in France and the system (and food lists) have been adapted to the French marketplace (and metric system), and once she understood how it worked and I showed her the tracking system, she decided to do it! She seems really excited about it, and she also told me what a good time she had spending time with me, just the two of us!

I think this is a HUGE breakthrough in our relationship and we feel closer to each other than ever before. It is not lost on me that the Universe generally gives you who and what you need most in your life, and so it is no accident that I am her step-mom and she's my step-daughter, and that we both have this weight thing in common. I also thing an added benefit for me is that this will encourage me to be more mindful of what I'm eating and of being on the program myself, because I want to be a better role model for her.

I am SO stoked right now, I can't even begin to tell you what a big deal this is in our family. I can't think of a better way to start my vacation. Which reminds me, the taxi arrives in 13 minutes so I better get going!

Days 34-37: Coasting to the coast

This week has involved the resurfacing of bad habits, mainly my habit of not taking the time to prepare meals when there are no kids to feed. My husband, apparently, has the same habit when the kids aren't around; instead of either of us preparing a meal for ourselves, 9 times out of 10 we'll either eat out, or nibble on whatever is handy - that might be something healthy, like carrot sticks and other raw veggies in season, but it also might be potato chips (him) or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (me).

With the older kids living out of the house now, and the youngest away on his summer holidays with his mom (until this weekend when he comes back with us), our mealtime habits have been pathetic. Also this week, I've gotten less exercise from cleaning our rental apartment, because the guests who are staying there have stayed longer than the guests in the preceding six weeks.

However, help is on the way, and it's called Summer in the South of France. We're heading to my sister-in-law's house for three weeks, and while we eat and drink well when we're there, I tend to lose weight there. There are a couple of reasons for this. First, although it's usually a pretty relaxing environment (Beach! Sea! Sun! Sand!), I tend to get more exercise. We walk nearly everywhere. My SIL's house is a 15-minute walk from the beaches and restaurants. I swim a lot when we're there (the Mediterranean is usually pretty calm, so I can really swim instead of just jumping up and down in the waves the way I do in New Jersey). We go places and we do things instead of sitting home in front of the computer or TV.

Secondly, we're eating mostly a Mediterranean diet and a lot of fresh fruits and vegetables in season. We don't eat many fancy desserts; typical desserts are fruit or yogurt after lunch or dinner. Our food choices are just plain healthier, without us even thinking much about it.

Thirdly, because there are four of us, we prepare meals instead of lapsing into grazing mode. Both my SIL and my step-son actually need to gain some weight, so my husband and I make sure we all get good, well-rounded meals. Although there is bread (hey, this is FRANCE) and often cheese (I repeat: FRANCE) as well as wine (don't make me say it again), we shop and prepare meals, instead of grabbing whatever is handy.

Last but not least... I am busy all day long. When I'm home in Paris, I have busy periods and quiet periods, and sometimes during the quiet times (or when I'm trying to avoid working), I will snack to fill the void. When I'm on a vacation, I don't snack much and frankly, I don't miss it.

So I'm looking forward to the next three weeks and although I may not be rigidly tracking my every mouthful, I feel confident that I can get my weight loss on a better path. If I can have a bit more success, I'll feel even more motivated to keep going when I come back home.

I leave on Sunday. I can't wait. :)

Day 33: Although this feels LESS pretty

The BBC health news web site published a VERY scary depressing interesting little gadget that only calculates your BMI (body mass index, the indicator of obesity) based on your age, gender, weight and height -- but also shows you where your body fat percentage RANKS on a global scale and compared to those in your own country. It also tells you what other country you most closely match.

I (ahem) currently rank off the charts. Although I know there are many people fatter than me, right now *I* am fatter than someone from... TONGA, the fattest nation on earth. And even though the United States ranks as the 11th fattest country at 30.46 mean BMI (do you hear that, America?), my BMI is higher than 88% of American women in my age group (which is 45-59). I would have to lose 45 lbs. to match the mean BMI in the U.S. of A.


To add further insult to injury, they have a "Did you know" blurb on the site, which told me that if everyone on earth had my same BMI, it would add 174,070,898 tonnes to the world's population. Thanks so much for that, guys... I feel so much better now.

France, on the other hand, has a national average that is BELOW the global average with a mean BMI of 24.85, which is also the lowest BMI in all of Europe (Denmark is also below the global average). I would have to lose 77 lbs. to match the French BMI. Japan's mean BMI is 23.13, and after that you start getting to the list of countries where poverty and malnutrition are what most likely accounts for the decreasing BMI rates. Bangladesh has the lowest mean BMI at 19.01.

According to the World Health Organization, a BMI of 30+ is obese, 25-30 is overweight, 18.5-25 is ideal and anything under 18.5 is underweight.

Ready for a jolt of reality? Visit the site and check your own stats here. 

Yep. Wake-up call. Back on program and taking a walk today for sure. I'm sure people from Tonga are very nice but I don't want to look like one of them.

Days 30-32: I feel pretty, oh so pretty

So here's a secret (or maybe not-so-secret) tip to feeling pretty even BEFORE you lose a significant amount of weight: get a great haircut and/or color and highlights to freshen your "look". When your hair looks like a million bucks, you FEEL like a million bucks. It works every time!

For years I have dabbled with different hair lengths. Often, I want to grow my hair out because I like the way longer hair looks on OTHER women, especially in France where women often wear their long hair "up" in a twist or chignon. However, longer hair doesn't really do anything for someone my age except drag down your features, and I've never looked good with my hair "up" (and wouldn't know how to pull off a chignon if my life depended on it). So who am I kidding when I grow my hair longer?

I have finally come to terms with the fact that I do look much more attractive with short hair. I still want it to look sassy and feminine, but shorter is better in my case. The challenge with shorter hair is that you have to have it cut more often to maintain the look, and when I'm feeling pressed for funds I will sometimes take scissors in hand and try to trim it myself.

It never really works out well. And then I am left to apologize to my stylist the next time I go in and they exclaim, "WHO did this to your HAIR?" I should just save myself the embarrassment and let the professionals do the work.

Then there's the color. Mine is naturally a dark, rather mousy brown, and now it's mixed with a lot of steely grays that don't really look good on me at all. I do envy women who are able to pull off gray or even white hair and still look young, hip and fabulous... but that's not me. I've been doing the home hair color thing for years (again, to save money) but the past few times I've been very disappointed in the results, even though I'm using brands I've used for years. They just don't cover the way the professional products do.

On Thursday, I went back to the stylist across town who gave me a really good cut, color and highlights back in the spring. Of course, now it's 3 months later -- much too long to have waited -- so my hair was shaggy and overgrown, and the dark/gray roots at least 2" grown out. Every time I would look in the mirror, I would notice how tired and worn out I looked. I felt like I looked older than my 51 years, and who the hell needs THAT?

Three hours and 130€ later (and believe me, that's VERY reasonable), I feel like a whole new woman. I feel (and have been told) that I now look younger, thinner, sexier, more gorgeous, smarter and even RICHER with my new "do". I think that's time and money very well spent.

You know how when you start to lose weight and see results, you begin to carry yourself differently? You feel good about your progress and how you're looking, so you stand a little straighter, and you start to walk a bit more confidently?

You can also get the same results from making the most out of your appearance OTHER than with your weight. I have stopped wearing any clothing that doesn't fit me well (even though I haven't dropped a size yet) or that I just don't like how it looks. I'm back to wearing at least some makeup every day when I go out of the house. And now I've got this fabulous new hair.

To me, this is going to fuel my desire to drop the excess weight and to get healthier. I now feel like I look my best at my present weight; it's a natural next step to getting leaner and even more attractive. It's all part of taking care of myself in all the RIGHT ways (as opposed to, say, "treating" myself with the foods that got me fat in the first place).

If you haven't had a great cut and color in a while; if you've been walking around in frumpy, baggy sweats or yoga pants; if you've stopped even putting on lip gloss or mascara... maybe it's time to change that. Why wait until you've lost the weight to look and feel pretty? Who says you're not allowed to feel pretty TODAY?

Days 27-29 & Week 3: In the right direction

This week's weight loss: -1.4 lbs (!)
Total loss to date: -2.8 lbs

Finally, I am feeling like I'm back on track, although I'm not following the plan to the letter most days. That's where I need to do more work: being more consistent in sticking to the program. I don't want to require myself to be rigidly perfect (that doesn't work for me because "perfection" is an impossible standard to maintain, and I set myself up for disappointment if I am then NOT perfect - so I strive to be consistent and moderate in my choices, instead of "perfect"). But I could certainly be more consistent, I will freely admit that.

Today, however, there is something to celebrate even more important that having lost weight: my  wedding anniversary! We have made a reservation at a nice restaurant for this evening, one I have not tried before. I do know they serve fish and seafood as their particular specialty, so my plan is to choose something from that part of the menu, to skip the bread and to have no more than 2 glasses of wine... and no dessert. I think that will be the best strategy, and I feel good that I'm thinking this through in advance of showing up at the restaurant. Food in France can be a minefield for someone like me, trying to lose weight (I have a weakness for foie gras, for example). But eating out doesn't have to be a disaster.

I'll also be doing a bit of pampering today: a full haircut, color and highlights (a bit overdue judging by the look of my roots!) and a pedicure. We're starting our 3-week summer vacation next weekend, so I'd have been doing these things anyway, but what better day to make the effort to look and feel extra-pretty than on one's wedding anniversary?

I wish I could say I still fit into my wedding dress but I think it would be just a bit too tight. However, I'm not THAT far off, and in a few more weeks and minus a few more pounds, one of the milestones I will look forward to is trying it on and having it (a) fit and then (b) become LOOSE over time. It's such a pretty dress -- a spring-green tea-length dress instead of a traditional white wedding gown -- and one of the reasons I chose it was that I wanted a dress I actually COULD wear out to other special occasions from time to time. So although I won't be able to wear it TODAY, I'll be able to wear it AGAIN. :)

Days 23-26: Pas Mal

In French, "pas mal" means "not bad". The French use it when they literally mean "not bad", as in: "How are you today, Jean-François?" And if J-F is feeling fairly good that day, he might say, "Ah, pas mal, pas mal."

The French also say "pas mal" when they mean FANTASTIC! SUPER! LIFE IS FABULOUS! THIS IS THE MOST DELICIOUS THING I EVER ATE! THINGS COULDN'T BE BETTER AND I JUST WON THE FREAKING LOTTERY! The French are kind of understated in that way, and they don't like to rave about anything (especially the Parisians, who specialize in being blasé no matter how excited they might actually be about something). Excessive enthusiasm is not commonplace in France. Except maybe when they're eating; then it's all yummy noises around the table.

I would say my weight loss efforts over the weekend fall somewhere nearer the first definition of pas mal -- literally, I was not bad. I was not necessarily perfectly good, either, but we ate out only once in a restaurant and although I indulged a little here or there, it was minimal. I tracked my food intake about 70% of the time. I drank a lot more water (if my numerous overnight trips to the WC are anything to judge by) and no wine at all. I got in more fruit and veggies than in the 3 or 4 days prior, too. I also got (sorry, men) my period, which being in pre-menopause is an on again-off again thing more and more, and the unpredictable nature of my hormones and yo-yo-ing water weight gain is, I believe, at least a little bit to blame for my slow weight loss.

This week I'm just planning to lay low, work quietly (I have a lot of rewriting of my manuscript to catch up on, now that school is out and my family duties are temporarily suspended for a few weeks), and eat moderately. We have two weeks until our beach vacation in the south, and my goal is to focus on achieving that first full 5 lb loss and to make a dent in the second 5 lbs as well. I might not get 10 lbs off by the start of vacation but by the end of it, around mid-August, I ought to be at least that first 10 lbs lighter! (We do a lot of walking when we're in the south and we tend to eat a lot of seafood and fresh fruits and veggies since they are so plentiful and delicious there!)

So that's the latest. I'll probably be blogging here a few times weekly instead of daily for a while... but I'm still here and my goals have not changed!

Day 21 & 22: Regrouping (slowly)

Weigh-in today: 223.6
Lost this week: -0.2 lbs. 

So that's not spectacular... but it's not a gain, either. And considering that on Tuesday night we took all the kids out for raclette (that's a whole lot of melted cheese plus meat and potatoes, a specialty of the alpine region of France and also Switzerland, and it's delicious!) I think even a small loss is something I can be satisfied with.

I'm kind of paying for all that cheese 48 hours later, though. I don't normally eat much cheese, although I do like it, but my body can't handle too much of it. So... no more raclette for the rest of the summer (it's really a winter dish but there is a great restaurant that makes it just near our house and the kids wanted to eat THAT as their last dinner with us before summer vacation).

I have been drinking more water and getting in a lot more walking. Getting out of the apartment is key; I can tend to kind of hole up in here sometimes with very little outdoor exercise. I've been meeting friends at different place around town this week and that has not only been fun, but good exercise, too.

I'm not doing as well as I could with tracking my meals and planning ahead. Those of you who have commented about the need to plan, at least a little in advance, what you're going to eat? Are absolutely right about that, and it's something I don't do very well at normally. Then I'm home during the day and lunch time rolls around, and suddenly I'm starving and there's nothing healthy in the house! (Breakfast isn't an issue; I kind of stick to a healthy cereal with skim milk every day, and that's enough for me.)

I'm looking on this next week - mostly kid-free, as my young step-son is on vacation with his mom for the next 2 1/2 weeks - as an opportunity to focus more on myself and get back on track. I have to believe I can do this!

Day 19 & 20: Treading water

First off, thanks for sharing your ideas about things I could be cooking with my new oven. I like the roasted veggies idea a lot, and of course chicken is always a winner in this house. Will be trying some new things this weekend. If anyone else has some good health-conscious recipes to share, chime in!

No need to turn me into "Hoarders" quite yet, though.

I feel like I am treading water at this point. Each day consists of making good decisions... and bad ones. Part of the issue right now is that my house is extremely cluttered and I think the clutter has clogged my brain. I have never been the neatest, most well-organized person, but until a few months ago we had a fabulous cleaning lady who helped me keep things reasonably neat and tidy every week, and since she quit and we moved into a smaller place, things haven't been the same. Not only do *I* tend to be cluttered but I am living with other people who are exactly the same. So you can just imagine - when everyone just leaves their stuff where they like and nobody wants to be the one to pick it up, what happens? Chaos. Yesterday as I was sitting on the sofa reading the day's mail (the ACTUAL mail, not email), a curtain rod literally collapsed, curtains and all. It's still there, right where it fell.

What does the clutter having to do with what I'm eating? Technically, they are two separate issues. But I think that external clutter is partially about one's internal state of mind, a reflection of whatever is going on within us. The house is cluttered because I've got mental clutter, and part of that is conflicting emotions about losing weight. I want to do it, and on some level maybe I don't want to, too. It's easier to eat what I want. It's fun to eat certain foods that I love. There's the little kid in me that likes the sense of rebelling, of saying "But I WANT it, and I don't care!"

The house is also cluttered because -- at least I suspect this is the case -- I can use the clutter as an excuse NOT to take the time to take care of myself. When the kitchen's a mess, gee, how can I focus on preparing meals? It's easier to eat out or snack. When the rest of the house is piled high with disorganization, I can tell myself I am too busy picking up (which is a lie) to worry about food shopping and menu planning.

It's a scam. I'm scamming myself. I don't need to be Suzy Homemaker in order to put the focus back onto making healthy choices in my diet. Yes, ideally I function better when the house is orderly. But once again I have caught myself in the act of creative excuse-making.

I received an email from my niece today, who has lost 20 lbs on Weight Watchers Online. She's one of the reasons I decided to start back on the program again; she's not at all obese but she just wanted to get her weight under better control (college students often gain weight because of bad habits they develop at school). I thought that if SHE were taking control of her health, why wasn't I? So hearing that she's found losing this 20 lbs to be "easy" makes me realize that, as usual, I am WAY overcomplicating this whole thing.

Buy healthy foods to keep in the house. Take the time (and it doesn't take MUCH time) to prepare good things to eat and keep handy so that I don't get tempted to snack on crap out of convenience. Track what I'm eating. Drink more water.

How freaking difficult is THAT? Answer: It's NOT.

Weigh-in on Thursday. Will report in.

Day 17 & 18: Finally - an oven!

Since we moved into our apartment in April, we have been sans oven. It's very common in France, even for rental apartments, for homes to be sold without fully equipped kitchens. In some instances, you might have nothing more than the kitchen sink - literally. Our last apartment came with the sink and some pretty decent kitchen cabinets - but no stove or oven, so we had to buy one. We also had to supply our own fridge, washing machine and dishwasher, and fortunately we already had those and they fit in the space provided.

When we moved this time, that stove/oven wouldn't fit in our new kitchen space, which was already also fitted with all the cabinets and this time even the gas stove top. Again, our fridge and two washing machines fit, no problem. But the space provided for the built-in oven was set up in such a way that we couldn't fit our old one (we thought it might work although we wouldn't have been using the stove unit). So we planned to buy a new built-in after we moved in.

So here it was the end of June. Three months had passed, and we still hadn't gotten around to buying a new oven (this should tell you something about our cooking style; we both cook but not often with an oven). One of the reasons was the space itself; an odd size, with (God only knows why) a plumbing pipe at the back, which meant the depth of any oven we bought had to be less than most of the available models... or at least the affordable ones. Which led to the second issue: cost. I had a hard time parting with 300-400 or more euros for an oven when we have no idea where we will be living in four years. Our next move will be when we buy something instead of renting, and when we do that we might have completely different needs for that kitchen.

About a week ago I came upon the solution: what they French call a mini-four. It's a smaller oven, designed to stand on a counter or cart, but larger than what I used to call a "toaster oven". They come with a variety of features (including rotisseries, convection and self-cleaning) and accessories. I realized that we could easily get one of those for a fraction of the cost of the full-sized (but shallow) expensive built-in models, and if we no longer need it in a few years, we can bequeath it to one of the kids or easily sell it to someone.

And as luck would have it, the semi-annual SOLDES (sales) started this week! So yesterday, we headed to one of the big appliance stores and came home with something we think will work fine. I can bake in it, roast a chicken in a pan or on a rotisserie, make a pizza - whatever. It was one of the lower-priced models, so lacks some of the high-end stuff (no convection, for example), but it will get the job done. Last night we test-drove it using a frozen lasagne from the market across the street, and it came out as expected. All for 119€. What's not to love?

So here's where I could use some help. I am NOT much of an "oven-person" when it comes to cooking, and cooking healthy stuff. Georges loves to cook but most of what he cooks involves chopping things for incredible salads (a TOTAL plus for me right now) or using a frying pan (maybe not such a plus). What I need is some great, tasty, easy and Weight Watchers-friendly recipes for things we can make. No big turkeys (it's not large enough for that) and nothing involving a baking or roasting pan longer than 40cm or wider than 33cm (won't fit). And I don't eat eggs. Ever. (Don't like them.) So quiches and things like that are out.

Otherwise the sky's the limit. What have you got? Share your favorites and if you happen to know the Weight Watchers point values, include that. But they don't have to be Weight Watchers recipes; if I can measure the ingredients I should be able to figure that out. Keep in mind if the recipes involve ingredients like American brand-name products, I might not be able to find them here in France (example: Progresso soups - don't exist here).

Thanks and I'm looking forward to having some new things to cook for me and the family!

Day 16: This could actually work

The "popular girls" weight loss plan:

Day 14 & 15: Week 2 Weigh-in & starting fresh

Starting Weight: 225
Last Week's Weight: 222.6
Today's Weight: 223.8
Weight Lost/Gained this week: +1.2 lbs.  
Overall Weight Lost: -1.2 lbs.


The scale doesn't lie. I didn't have the best week. But then again, it could have been worse, too.

I got lazy with tracking and food choices; I'll just be honest about that. It's surprising how easy it is for me to gain weight even when -- comparatively speaking -- I am still being "better" than not being on WW at all. I had better days and worse days but the scale doesn't lie. It has the final say, no matter what I claim I did or what I believe I did right or wrong.

It is what it is. I'm committed to starting again today, a-fresh. My husband got back yesterday from his business trip, and my step-son is spending the weekend at his mom's, so I can kind of re-focus on myself and my goals with a bit more ease than this past week, when I was too busy and a bit stressed being a single parent. Even though this kid is actually quite easy to be around and take care of, when I'm on my own with him I am very conscious of my responsibility to keep him well and safe and "on schedule", so it's all about him and his needs. As it probably should be. I'm a lot less stressed when alone with him now than when I first met and married his father; we know each other, we're cool with each other, we can communicate better (the language barrier was a huge stress for me in the beginning) and we have fun together. But it's so much easier, so much better, when my husband is here with us.

I never like to think I am getting stressed out, about anything. I don't like to admit it, because admitting it feels like I'm saying "I can't handle this" (whatever "this" may be). Like it's a weakness. In my "past life" (my life as a single person who was employed in a very high-stress profession), stress was just part of the package and it was like wearing a badge of courage to say you could handle the stress; bring it on, I can take it, more more more!

When I left that corporate world, I made a conscious choice to leave that stress-inducing stuff behind me. But of course, real life is full of stressors from time to time, no matter how hard we try to made our lives stress-free. In my life at present, the main sources of stress stem from living abroad with an aging parent across the ocean, a nephew who is being deployed to Afghanistan by the end of the year, occasional periods where my husband is traveling and I'm holding down the fort with the apartment and the minor child, a rental apartment I'm managing (although that is going well and getting easier) and the fact that I haven't finished/sold my book so I'm not making any money. Next year, the stressors could be something totally different or even worse; and compared to other people maybe my life is a walk in the park. But we're not hear to draw comparisons, to say "My life is harder than yours, so what are you bitching about, suck it up already!"

In terms of what I'm eating and how I'm taking care of myself, I think one of the things I need to learn (or re-learn) is how to manage stress when I do have it, without falling off the WW wagon.

I guess the first step in doing that is just restarting from the basics again: drink more water. Measure my food. Track my food, no matter what is is I'm eating. Get out every day and move my body, even if it's only a walk around the neighborhood for 10 minutes. Stay away from the high-sugar carbs.

When you fall off the cheval, you pick yourself up and get right back on it again.

Day 13: Lessons learned

Part of this journey, for me, is the ability to observe myself without judgment (yeah, easier said than done, right? We are our own worst critics) and try and learn something about myself in the process, something that will help me expand (spiritually, not physically -- I've already DONE that, which is why I'm blogging about weight loss).

There has to be some balance between being able to do the steps, take the right actions, and replacing bad habits with healthier ones (the "doing" part of this process), and deciding who I am BEING in all this. Like, on the days when I can connect with my Inside Skinny Girl, who I am being is someone who takes care of herself, eats well and healthily, gets some moderate exercise. Who I am being then is someone who cares about ME enough to do good things for myself. I feel it on the inside, ergo I live it on the outside. The doing follows directly from the being. Not the other way around.

When I am stressed out, lonesome for my husband (he's away on a biz trip but not for long, fortunately), juggling too many household or family responsibilities and therefore neglecting myself, who am I being then? That's the part that is often harder to identify and face... and change.

This week I have observed the following in myself, in no particular order:

• I eat when I'm stressed and I choose the wrong things to eat. Stress-eating carrots? Doesn't really do it for me.
• I also eat when I'm lonesome, overwhelmed, procrastinating about something I don't feel like doing, or fatigued... and of course, I choose the wrong things to eat.
• In fact, when I am REALLY feeling those negative emotions, I not only choose the wrong things to eat but I have been known go out of my way to get them. (I no longer have a car but when I did, I could easily persuade myself to get in the car and go out looking for an "emergency" pint of Ben and Jerry's. You know, for medicinal purposes.)

These observations are not news to me; it's not the first time I've become aware of this pattern of emotional eating in myself. I do it less now than I used to BEFORE I was aware of it, so that's something. I'm just saying, this is a big part of my M.O. of how I got so fat.

So if the doing follows from the being and not the other way around, then it follows that the way to effect lasting change is to figure out who you want to BE in a given situation, and then figure out how you need to behave if you want to be THAT person.

I've never been a naturally slim, physically fit and active person, someone who enjoys making a priority out of eating right and exercising to take care of the body. I have no frame of reference for being THAT woman. But I can observe the people I know who ARE that way, the ones who make good choices without starving themselves or resorting to abnormal lengths to be thin. I can watch those people and learn from them. And then I can figure out what it would take to be that, too.

What would a slim, healthy, non-weight-obsessed woman do every day? How would she be living her life? Here's how I picture it:

• She would keep her kitchen stocked with delicious, fresh, whole foods and keep treats to a minimum. So when she gets hungry, she can reach for something and know it's OK.
• She would probably plan many of her meals so that when there are occasions she can't plan for, she can eat what she likes - moderately - and still stay fit and healthy without having to freak out about every morsel she's eating. 
• She would have the kind of lifestyle where she's out and about, moving around a lot physically, possibly (but not necessarily, especially in France where people are not as obsessed about joining a gym) doing some regular form of deliberate exercise.
• When she wants to eat something more calorific, she does... but in moderation. And not all the time, on every whim. Balance is the key when it comes to treats, wine and so on.

Is it really that simple and uncomplicated? Have I been overcomplicating this in my mind, telling myself "It's so hard to lose weight so it must be torture to get thin and stay thin!" when really, it's quite simple?

No verdict at the moment. Just something to think about.

Day 12: On the fly

Making this post very quick today as I don't have much time for writing (story of my life, it seems) what with juggling a variety of things. And the laundry situation at our house is getting pretty dire; down to the "emergency" underwear.

It seems the past several days I have not felt very well focused on WW and the program. Some of that I can attribute to the family Sunday lunch. Some of it is a result of the juggling of my time, and just not having (or making) the time to plan my meals so I'm making it up as I go along. That may not be the best way to approach this particular program, which obviously is going to work best when you can plan meals, shop in advance to have the good foods on hand, and so on.

But we are in the final days before the end of school (which is next Thursday in France) and getting my young step-son all squared away with various before-vacation appointments (orthodontist, eye doc) because after the end of school, the kids, the parents and the doctors all take off and nothing gets done until September. Fortunately we have a few weeks yet until we have to start packing for our own vacation in the south of France but in the meantime I feel like I'm just barely treading water here.

So I guess I have to stop stress-eating and be kinder to myself when I can't be in 100% control of what I'm doing, diet-wise. Sometimes maybe all you can do is the best you can do in that moment, even if it's not good enough -- and then let it go.

Now, gotta run to the next thing on my list, something I wasn't supposed to have to do but which now needs to be done. (Don't you hate when bloggers are cryptic?)

Day 11: The French Sunday Family Lunch

All over France, people have lunch with their families on Sunday afternoons. Some families meet in restaurants, often in a big multi-generational group; others go to their mother's or grandmother's place for the meal. It's part of the culture to do this, and I think it's a nice tradition.

In our French family, we don't get to do it very often. My husband's parents have been deceased for more than a decade, and his sisters live in other parts of France; the one that does live in Paris, we never see (long story and off-topic). We spend several holidays a year with the sister who lives in the south of France, and that's a lot of fun.

There is yet another sister who lives in a suburb of Paris which is about a 30-minute train ride for us, and every so often we make the trip out there on a Sunday, or they come into Paris to see us instead. But we don't do it every week or even every month, so when we do get to do it, it's a lot of fun. Today was the day we went to visit them: my sister-in-law and her son. (She also has a daughter and granddaughter but they were away today.)

Things like this are what make France worth it.

It was actually a good day to go and do the family thing because the weather was dreadful; drizzle and light rain all through the earlier part of the day, and by mid-afternoon it was POURING and my feet felt frozen, even indoors. When we arrived on the train, they met us at the station and then we went to the local marché to pick out what we wanted to eat (teasing them about how well prepared they were for this lunch; but then again we weren't well prepared as guests, either, having forgotten to bring a bottle of wine with us). We hit the boulanger for bread and dessert, the wine shop (ha!) and then the market, where we picked up all the fixings for a traditional French Sunday dinner en famille - two rotisserie chickens, potatoes au gratin, four kinds of cheeses, two baguettes, individual pastries for everyone (we all chose what we wanted, instead of getting a big tarte or cake) and the red wine.

This was not the day to worry about points, clearly. The best I could do was just watch my portions and go with the flow. If pressed to estimate my points, I'd have to with, what... 80?

The good news is, I ate a simple, light breakfast and there were no appetizers or snacks before or after the meal. The bad news is, I'm home alone tonight with my 10-year-old step-son (husband left directly after we got back to Paris on the train for a 3 day business trip) and I've gotta feed this kid something, and he wants spaghetti. So there's that. I'm really not very hungry at all after the big lunch (in France, it is more common to eat a bigger meal at lunch and then a very light dinner, and I'll be following that tradition tonight for sure) so I will make a small amount of pasta and may eat very little or even none of it. The Bubble feels too pronounced right now, as I sit typing this.

Sometimes, you have to make allowances for real life, and not freak out about it. Frankly, I had a great time with my French family (my husband's nephew is a RIOT) and I understand more and more French the more time I spend with them, so I get to participate more in the conversations than I used to. And it is really not "done" in France to walk into a family meal and (a) refuse to eat what is being offered or (b) to announce you're on a diet; that sort of thing is (a) rude and (b) private.

It's one of the best, and also the worst, parts about living in France: the French have a whole other relationship with food than the Americans. In America, we have a love-hate relationship with food: we love it but we fear it so much, fear it taking over our lives and our bodies. We don't eat for pleasure; eating has become utilitarian, food is seen as "fuel" and nothing more.

The French would say "Bof!" to that attitude. They have a love-Love-LOVE relationship with food. They take their time when eating (well, most do. My husband is a speed-eater, but he still gets great enjoyment out of what he's eating). They usually always eat at a table, rarely in front of a TV or at a desk or while hurrying down the street (although I have seen busy working people eating a sandwich on the bus or metro when they're in a rush). They enjoy and they savor; even my young step-son will tell me: "Savoré!" if he thinks I'm eating too quickly.

To the French, mealtimes are sacred, and family meals the most sacred of all, so you take your time (2-3 hours on a Sunday for the actual eating part of the day is normal). You talk. Food is served in courses so you get a little pause in between dishes. You talk some more. You have some wine. And almost always, cheese at the end (although dessert could just as easily be fruit or yogurt; it's not always something rich and high-calorie like we had today).

For better or worse, I don't have these sorts of big family meals that often. I'm not going to lie: I enjoy them. But not only for the food itself. I like the ritual and how I feel like I am part of a family here when we get to dine with my husband's relatives, since I'm so far from my own family. 

So for the few times a year we do this, I'm not feeling one big guilty about it. And NOT feel guilty is actually a very healthy thing for me, where food is concerned.


How I did yesterday: not bad and I did get in that cleaning workout and quite a bit of walking. 
How I'm doing today (so far): read the above.